It may seem like I have nothing but in fact I have everything

I can safely say that there is nothing in this world that I lack. I have a career that has been many things but dull is not one of them. I have a family who loves me and is there for me through all my zany moments. I have friends who if it weren't for them I think my life would not have been as color as it was. I am thankful for all the experiences that I went through because they made me that much stronger. I am thankful that God has blessed me each and every day. If he closed a door it wasn't to make break my heart it was to protect me from making a horrible mistake.

Goodbye to my past

I met you when I was a young girl. I thought our story was a testament of time. With all the ups and downs you would think that if we made it we were the real thing. Then life hit us and you went your way and I went mine. We tried to hold on but in the end we have our seperate paths. I look back and I think was it more hurtful than good to hold on to the familiar. I think that is what got us this far, the familiar comfort of a time long ago that was uncomplicated and sweet. I wish you the best in life and I am forever proud of you. At this point I have to let you go so that I can start anew.

Vulnerable

The past four years I have made it a point to control every aspect of a relationship. I made myself responsible for the in's and out's of every feeling, happening and decision. Four years later I have learned that the only result is looking back and seeing that I was wrong for doing so. Two months ago I met Mark and am learing that a relationship is not about who is in control. Each relationship that I had in the past I have always cut it short if I saw things were getting to difficult or not going in the direction that I wanted it to go in. I never felt that a relationship was worth fighting for. I built this wall around me and made sure that there were safeguards to ensure that if things didn't work out I would not be sad for too long. I never allowed myself to feel insecure because I told myself if this doesn't work then it is on to the next one. I vowed that I would never allow myself to be vulnerable in front of someone. Little did I know that would change.


I met him the day I dropped off a tester. I had asked him a question and he completely ignored me and I thought what a jerk. So I leave for my car and finish with the rest of my day until I had to pick up my guy again. So I get back to the test site at one o'clock. Low and behold guess who is there? Yup the jerk, only this time he actually speaks to me. We get into conversation waiting for our applicants to finish testing. I kept thinking he was really cute and had this great smile. So after 45 minutes of talking we get ready to take our guys back and he calls my name and ask for my number. He says he is going to take me to the movies on Saturday. Having to wait two days to seem him seemed to drag on. Our date on Saturday did not go as I thought it would. One I had to meet him at his job, two he was late 45 minutes. When he finally picked me I was a little over dressed because we spent an hour and half walking through the mall. I figured we were going to eat dinner and then catch a movie. Hear I am in shorts, a scoop neck shirt and heels and we are walking through the mall like teenagers. Finally we leave to get the tickets so we can eat. He asked me what I want to eat and I say how about Legal Seafoods since it was close by. Well that would have been fine if he hadn't bought tickets for a movie that started in the next hour. So seafood was out. He says we can get something later. I tell him I don't want to eat at a diner. Mind you after 11pm everything closes in Long Island. So it was no surprise when he says lets eat at a diner I tell him I rather go home. We start heading out only to end up in Queens. I live in Manhattan, he explains that I have to stay the night at his place because he is extremely tired and won't be able to drive back. My first instinct was take the train home what came out of my mouth was "okay sure". No we did not have sex that night for those who were wondering. So he drops me off and I am like okay never again. Little did I know that two weeks later I would be moving in as a trail run to see if we would be a good couple.

How did I end up moving in? Well I was at home talking to my mother and she makes a joke that we should try it out for 30 days. I thought she was serious so when I see him that night I tell him what she says. I laugh thinking he would take it as a joke but he thought I was serious. So that following Friday I move into my new home for the next month. Everything is cute and fine and then one night this little voice tells me to look through his phone. Side note ladies: If you don't want to find something dont snoop. Low and behold I find text messages from other females. Mind you we have not been seeing each other that long at this point it is a little under a month so of course I start packing my stuff up, it is around 2am when I am packing. He wakes up around 9am and I am getting dressed. I sit down next to him and tell him I am ready to move back home. At first I wasn't going to say anything about looking through his phone but I figure I might as well I am not sticking around after this. If you had sat there and listened to the conversation that followed you would have just decided to get up and walk away, I didn't. I said I would stay and stick it out with him. I went to work the next morning told my supervisor I need to take care of some stuff. That afternoon while he was at work I moved out. Later that evening he came to my house and I gave him the key.

That was month one the begining of month two we still went out and while I battled with nagging feelings that I wasn't the only one in his life he was perfectly content with where we were. Anyone who knows me understands that unless I have a clear understanding of where something is going or what is being established I am not going to leave things alone. I found myself at every turn trying to get him to make a decision about what was it that he wanted from me and this relationship. You get tired of saying the same thing over and over. What I failed to realize was that in the process of me trying to get this one victory I was missing all the changes that he was making for me. My mom said that I was to busy looking for the elephant that I was missing the mice. Where once he would look at other women when we went to eat he now would face me with his back to everyone else. Instead of letting me take the train he would come pick me up from my door. He made an effort to ensure that I felt at home at his place by telling me to bring stuff to leave there. He would be offended when I tried to pay for meals and I did it to show him that I didn't need him. Again it was my way of assuming control. Sometimes people try to show you in their own way that they care about you. Not everyone has the same approach to expressing love or feelings. I wanted him to have my same approach but the fact is that we have two different backgrounds we have two different methods. While our previous experiences at love have left us trying to make the other prove their value we were missing the key point, that we were falling for the other.

About a week ago I called it quits and told him that I was unhappy that what was the point of staying in this if I wasn't getting what I needed. That night I realized that it wasnt the fact that I wasn't getting what I needed I was upset because I wasn't getting it how I wanted it. Mark is an amazing guy while he can be a bit abrasive I don't doubt how he feels for me. I think that he lets his fears that I am going to leave him get the best of him. Although I have to say that in and of myself I have confirmed his fears on two occasions. Instead of communicating to him how I felt I bailed out on us. That night I cried and it was the first time in a long time that I allowed myself to feel something for someone. A few years ago I let someone into my heart only to have it broken and since then I have kept it under wraps. Being vulnerable in front of Mark is scary but when I am with him it is like there is no one else around. When I talk to him I am always laughing and learn to not be so serious all the time. When we are sleeping he pulls me close to him and he each time that I am with him I feel like he is my other half. Yes it has been a short time but in that short time I have the privelage to experience all the things that can make or break a couple and I can say that we are stronger. Are there days he gets on my nerves, yes. Are there days that I want to say I give up but if I gave up I would be missing out on the little moments that make this all worthwhile. I would miss out on being with someone who unlocks a bit of his heart for me and I for him.

My Favorite Quote

I am sure if you have gone to Barnes and Noble you see the magnets with the quotes. Well one in particular caught my eye. It reads,
Happiness is a journey not a destination
for a long time it seemed to me that
life was about to begin- real life.
But there was always some obstacle
in the way. something to be gotten
through first, some unfinished
business, time still to be served
a debt to be paid. at last it dawned
on me that these obstacles were my life.
this perspective has helped me
to see there is no was to happiness.
happiness is the way. so treasure every moment
you have and remember that time waits for no one."
-Souza

I have had this quote sitting on the fridge and it was last night that I actually took the time to see what he actually meant. Life is too short to waste it on things that are of no importance. There are so many things going on right now that we much take the time out to enjoy life. I know that I get so wrapped up with work that those close to me suffer. So I decided that I am going to make a list of things that I want to do. I am in NYC for the next two years and so far everything I set out to do I have only barely scratched the surface. My list consist of the following.

Have a picnic in Central park with the boys.
Take the boys to Ellis Island
Go to Chicago and make peace with someone
Go to the observation deck at the empire state building.
Go see the Ballet
Visit every museum in manhattan
Watch a broadway show
Run through central park
Go to France this summer
Go to Portugal
Go to Vegas
See one of his art shows before I leave the city

There are more things I will add to the list as they come along but as I accomplish each one I will write about the experience. I want to be able to say to pass on great memories to my children. So tonight I am going to be the Ballet to see Sleeping beauty. I just bought my ticket I am extremely excited.

Silly goose

Ever had those moments that you just wish that you had just kept your mouth shut? That instead of saying anything you just walked away and went on like everything was fine. My best amigo told me the other night sometimes you have to cut people off with out an explanation. That would work if I weren't such a romantic sap. I honestly believed that sometimes love works out in your favor but it doesn't. You end up being that girl that no one wants to be. She is the one crying because she did it again. She fell for someone who was never going to see her in that light. Instead of backing out when she had that first inkling she kept going. She honestly thought that after all this time it had to be something special that kept them so close. The truth is it was all in her head. You can't stage love and hope that the person sees you the same way. Maybe love doesn't exist anymore. Let me not say that it does. You know that love is real that moment you have that first kiss. The moment you hold hands for the first time. You know that it's real when you still get nervous right before you pick them up to go out. you just have to see that if you are the one putting to much into it then it isn't real.

You just have to wait be patient, don't look for it. Don't persue it. You have to let it happen. When it does happen you will know that it is right. If you are following someone and trying to get them to see you through different eyes ask yourself are they doing the same. Are they putting in just as much effort. If the answer is no then just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, wipe the tears from your eyes and just keep moving forward.

Don't put to much into it

You and this guy start hanging out. You have known each other for a while and there may have been a moment when you had feelings for each other. Flash forward to present day. You have both lived different lives and are on track living the life you wanted for yourself. In the course of the time you came back into contact you guys share a couple of moments being physically close (not having sex). You are not sure where you stand or if this is just him being a guy or if there is something more going on. The logical thing after the first time it happens is to see if it will happen again. You don't want to spark a conversation over something that may have been a fluke. It happens the second time and you stay quiet. You are debating on "should I or shouldn't I). It doesn't help that the other person contributes any information.

So you get tired of waiting and wondering what it is that the other person is thinking. You start to think that maybe you are putting to much thought into anything that happens i.e kissing. You sit back and then it hits you. STOP PUTTING TO MUCH INTO IT!!!! This is a matter better left alone. If you persue it or try to talk about it you are just going to get your feelings hurt. If the person felt any sort of way or even remotely cared enough not to take it any further so not to hurt you he would have said something by now. With so much that is going on in this world I wouldn't waste what time I have persuing someone who is not persuing you. What every reasons you have come up in your head why you stick around think about it does it go both ways. If your answer is I don't know or just plain no, you need to evaluate what you are allowing in your life. Remember it is your life, even if people say "aww why don't you two get back together?" I can guarentee that when they are talking to him they are not saying the same thing.

So many women get caught up by this routine only to find themselves more hurt than what they started. To avoid feeling like an idiot at the end of the day do one of two things. You can A) leave him alone; B) make it clear you are just friends or C) go along for the ride and use the gym to release all the hurt, anger and frustration you are going to feel afterward. Lets face reality a bit that love story we thought we were going to have may not happen. You may meet the man of your dreams buying coffee at starbucks or even at target while buying dinner plates but it won't like a movie. Don't get me wrong it does happen and I am extrememly happy for anyone who has that. Cherish that person and don't take them for granted. Please don't think that I am anti-love because I am not. I am that romantic who just wants her own love story just wish that all the toads would get out the way so I can meet my prince.

My final thought is that if you are that person wondering what the deal just stop thinking about it. If something is going to happen it will happen on its own without you having to try. If you are the other person no matter what your reasons are put yourself in the others shoes. You know what kind of person she is and if you don't want to hurt then do anything that will cause confusion. Yes we get caught up in the moment but when it's two people that have a history together it is key to make sure you aren't heading to a dead end.

At night

Last night I thought about you. I realized that subconsciencely I have been waiting for you to call. I have been waiting for you to reach out like you always do. I guess this time you took me seriously. If I had the chance to be face to face with you, what would I say? I would tell you that I love you. That no one before you and after you could have the same impact on my heart. I try not to think about you because I don't want that feeling of longing for you. Nights are spent trying not to dream of you. It is pointless because you seem to drift into them. There are times when it seems that I feel you close by. I close my eyes and there you are kissing me, holding me in the way that only you can. I look at your side of the bed and I miss you being there.
I think back to the night before you left and in my mind it is all so vivid that night you kissed me like never before. You held me in your arms and whispered in to my ear. You watched me as I slept and traced the curves of my face with your finger. I awoke and asked you what was wrong and you say you want to remember me this way until you see me again. We are sitting at the airport and I am crying because I want to get on that plane with you. I didn't want to let go of your hand. I try to fill that space that is not there. I know that our story has come to a close and that our time has passed. Will we ever see each other who knows, but if that day comes I will smile and be happy with whatever course you took in life.

There isn't...

The first time I had a moment of clarity was when I realized that i didn't need to be in a relationship to feel like a complete person. There was a time when I thought that in order to have a wonderful life I needed to be with someone so that I wouldn't have to deal with life alone. The fact is that from as far back as I could remember everything I thought I couldn't do I actually already was. I thought I would never be able to get around alone because I couldn't drive, so I learned how to drive. Moments that I thought having an extra income in the house would be great, I just went ahead and got myself promoted. When I thought that I wouldn't be able to balance bills and work I realized I had been doing it all along and guess what by myself.

I thought I need a guy to tell me that I was amazing and wonderful but the fact was that I had to believe it for myself. Why should someone else think about me if I don't. I know that I am a wonderful person. I know that I am charming and witty and that sometimes I can be a dork. I am aware of the fact that I have a big heart and while in the past few have seen that it's okay. When I finally meet that guy he is going to see those qualitites in me. I am not going to have to tell him hey look at me. I won't have to say why can't you see that what you need is right here with me. Truth is when a man sees it he will let you know. Don't be discouraged if one or two don't. Think of it this way I rather wait for the guy who won't be able to take his eyes off of me. I rather wait for the guy who will know that I love him for him. I rather wait for that guy who won't be able to wait to talk to me. Why wait? for the simple reason is that when you are rushing to be with someone who partially meets your standards the one that qualifies will walk away.

If you are there waiting for a guy to see you that way and it's getting to the point you are feeling down because he doesn't just walk away. What one man ignores another man will cherish. So be patient and wait. I know that it is easier said than done, I have gone through it myself but so worth the wait.

What matters the most

On my last trip to Barnes and Noble I picked up the book "Notes Left Behind". It is a book written by a couple who lost their child to cancer. Their daughter was six years old when she passed away from a tumor that was located in the stem of her brain. Each time I pick it up tears fill my eyes as I read the story of this little family. It makes you look at your life and realize what is really important. I look at my own six year old who is vibrant, creative and full of life. I could not imagine having to go through what this couple endured. I look at my four year old who has this amazing personality and a smile that melts your heart. I watch them playing and in my world all is well but I know that I can always do more. You learn that while you are getting wrapped up in work, paying bills, going to school that they most productive time you have is with your family. Even if you don't have children I am sure there is someone out there who needs to hear from you more. That person needs to know that they are important enough for you to take time out for them.

I don't want to wake up one day and find that my time is limited with the ones that I love. I all can say is that when you are long and gone it is not what you did that matters it is how people rememeber you. It is how the ones that loved you remember you. What is the point of being successful if you neglected those that matter most. I am going to make sure that the people that I love know that they are loved. I am going to make it a point to tell them I appreciate them. Most important I am going to set time aside out for them.

My two additions to my life

I have two amazing little boys. If you ever met them you would fall right in love or at least that was the case for me. When I was expecting Julian it was a quite a roller coaster. His dad was on deployment and I was left all alone to go through an entire preganancy and birth. There were many times I would end up in the hospital not knowing if I was going into labor or if something was wrong. I would talk to him and rub my stomach and wonder which of the two he would like. Jules decided that he wanted to come into the world five days before he was due. I went into labor at six in the morning by one in the afternoon I was welcoming this little bundle of joy with lots of hair. While I was in labor I thought I wasn't going to make it. There were times when I would be so tired I just couldn't push anymore. My mom had flown in and she had this worry look on her face as if she were about to loose me. Till this day I have no idea where that extra strength came from but I got it together and brought this amazing bundle of joy into my world. He had perfect tan skin and straight jet black curly hair. Jules has gone through many different looks. He went from looking Indian, Arab and now to his present day features which are the ones that resemble me.

With Jake he decided that he was going to be born on his own time. He was born five days after his due date. The boys dad was on yet another deployment when I went into labor with him. Like with Jules I prepared his room. For Jules I had a solar system theme with glow in the dark stickers and had a model of the planets and sun hanging from the sealing. With Jacob I had the from prince. I painted the room the room to look like he was in a field with green for the grass and blue for the sky. Labor with Jake was different. I knew what to expect and had great communication with the doctors. Seeing as Jacob was on his own time table it got a little hectic when his heart rate started dropping and I still was not dialated to ten. They gave me something to help it along and after a bit we were ready to push. Unlike with Jules I had to wear an oxygen mask to help me breathe and at one point I had a nurse pushing down on my stomach. Jacob was a very stubborn child from the beginging. Then the moment came when I met him face to face. Jacob was my little old man, he came into this world bald and very wrinkle. The first thing he did was pee on the nurse. The moment I saw him him I fell in love for the second time. The first of course was when I met Jules.

To this day I still I stare at them in amazement. I play with their hair and give them countless hugs and kisses. When I get home I ask them about their day and read to them. When I tuck them in at night I kiss their foreheads and am so thankful I have them. When they get older I of course want to have another child and welcome into my life yet another addition to my family.

The heart has this amazing capacity to heal and to forgive. It has the ability to giving and kind. In the past recent events we has a people of combined races have shown that in the face of tragedy we will come together. So why is it that it takes for something so heart wrenching to happen? We should always be kind,sincere and open to embracing those that we encounter. I know we don't live in a perfect world where people are like that. There are those who take the ones around them for granted. It is sad because of those few others miss out on receiving compassion.

Past

Leave the past where it is. No matter what your heart is feeling remember that it can easily be decieved.

Time to step aside.

Letting go is one of the hardest things we can do. Especially when you don't want to. I asked a friend how do you know who is the real person you are getting when they have two sides. What do you if one of those sides hurts you. Do you let them go? His response was " If you let them go then you don't love them."

Last night I realized that I felt something very strongly for someone who I know I shouldn't. For the last couple of years I figured I had gotten over those feelings. We both have created lives for ourselves and have fallen in love with other people. When we got to our destination we went through our usual routine of joking around about the past but during the more serious ones I knew that my heart was setting itself up to get hurt. It hurts and bothers me a bit that he is still the only person I can open up to. He is the only person who I can feel comfortable being around. It bothered me that as I was sitting through dinner I remembered what it was that drew me to him. I wanted to say something at dinner but I decided not to for different reasons. One if he felt the same way he would say something. Second our lives are not compatible at all and we don't fit in with the others.

I put distance between us because I need to be able to maintain my focus on what I have in front of me. I can't allow myself to get wrapped up in some notion that anything can ever happen. Given our past and the fact that I know how he gets when you bring up any romantic notion. If I am the only one feeling this way which I sure I am I need to leave well enough alone. I am not going to compromise who I . I am glad that I was able to put aside that urge to tell him how I felt because no matter what I am feeling at the end of this trip we are our going our separate ways. Before I left my mom said something about it being funny if this trip ended up with us getting back together and it bothered me that it came up. Yes is it odd that I asked someone I had history with to come yes but to me it was more wanting to get to know more about him. Knowing that there is still that little bit of feeling has to be removed and that means stepping out of the picture.

We have done that whole scenario before and this is one time I am not going to be the one looking like a fool. Life is not a movie where people part ways and come back together as better versions of themselves. If I can be loving and caring with one then there shouldn't be any reason why I can't be that way with someone who is interested in me. I learned a lot about me through this trip. I am learning more about myself and how I can grow as a person. I need to make sure that my decisions are going to be to my benefit. Tomorrow is back to the real world and back to my life.

Ever sit back and think about the things that you miss. Being here in the mountains I have. I realized that I miss talking to people. I miss late night phone calls, hearing the other person laughing. I can't remember the last time I took a walk through Central Park holding hands. My favorite evenings are those where I end up having a great conversation be it at Barnes and Noble or my favorite little Italian place on Columbus Ave. or when I am walking side by side with someone on fifth ave. Forming that intimacy helps for making a great relationship. It actually makes me sad that I have allowed these simple forms of communicating and interacting to be replaced by impersonal methods that don't require meeting or talking. I couldn't even tell you the last time I had a phone conversation that I just laughed and was just so absorbed in what the other person was saying. Being here with my friend has opened my eyes that I need to get back to that place where I like being around great people. I have so many people who are just so amazing and rarely speak to them or look to speak to them.

I used to tell myself that it was okay if you didn't really speak on a regular basis. That is so far from the truth. If the silences are greater than the moments that you really do speak there is a problem. I understand what my ex meant when he said I seemed like a boring person. It is not enough to just be in the same room physically. There has to be a form of interaction and not just sexually. There were times when I thought that because we loved each that would sustain us. We spoke but never about anything of any importance. When he asked me what his favorite song was I couldn't answer. I was really taken back at how little we knew about each other. Yes we messaged each other and yes we spoke on the phone but when we were physically together he would watch television and I would be reading a book. Communication doesn't always have to be some deep philosophical discussion it can be about anything. When I lived in Virginia Colin and I would take our usual spots on the sofa and just talk about random things. We became each others best friend. Even having someone explain football can bring just a bit closer together. When you ask questions and spark conversations it send a message that you care enough to want to know about what they like. Verbal communication can open doors to the inner most part of who a person is. If you don't discuss face to face what your dreams and aspirations are how can you encourage or feel encouraged to actual pursue those ambitions. Granted some may say do you really need someone else to help you with taking the next step but take a second to think about this. When you are child don't your parents give you that same encouragement and support. Why should that need change when you become an adult. I am all for Independence but in all reality you can't do it all on your own. Example of not doing it on your own is networking. We will go and spend time creating a relationship that will help lift our social status but not one that enriches us personally and emotionally. What is the point of knowing 1000 people if none of them are people that you have any real connection with them.

I may sound mushy or a little naive but if you are one of those people who wonder why is it that you seem to have one failed relationship/friendship after the other. Look at your habits of communication.

Who needs to meet people when you have a smart phone.

The other day a friend and I were discussing how people don't write letters anymore or even call people to say hello. In this day and age everything is done through that small little electronic device called a smart phone. You can now text, tweet, email, instant message and never once have to actually hear the sound of anothers voice. You know longer have to sit down with pen and paper and actually write a letter. Communicating face to face has become a foreign concept to todays society.

It wasn't until recently that I realized how annoying it was to share space with someone and have them constantly on their phone. My mother once told me that when I moved back home it was like having me live in Virginia because I myself was always on the phone. I failed to cultivate proper relationships with the people around me. I found it humurous when I turned on the radion to be informed that John Mayer was going to do a digital cleanse in which he was not going to text, tweet, facebook, or email from his smart phone.

Having removed the sense of needing to connect to people personally, it has now come to the point that you don't even give the other person eye contact anymore. People don't hold hands, hug. When you look at the couple sitting next to you at the restaruant you will notice that they are on their phones. Instead of the phone being a distraction you will notice that the distraction is actually coming from the person sitting across from them. I know that I myself have been guilty of this and I also know that when it has happened to me I have been upset. I have been left thinking I might as well as stayed home and just text the person the whole evening.

I have also noticed that even my handwriting has suffered. I loved writing but again what is the point in writing when you can now type and quickly send with the push of a button. I have decided to take some small steps in order to ween myself off my blackberry. I want to make my communication with others more personal. I want to call people more. If I am dating someone I want to leave them little notes to show them that I took the time out to write a note.

If you really wanted to speak to someone why not just call them. If you are going to spend all that time texting why not pick up the phone. Yes I know that people will say that I am too busy to call but think about you just said. Instead of speaking to the person for 10 mins you would rather spend 30 mins typing and waiting for a response. What sense does that make? I myself have been guilty of this. I do it all the time but I am starting to think that those close to me who have brought it to my attention are correct.

2010

People take the New Year to start fresh. They make resolutions and plans for what they want to accomplish. As I sat on the couch watching The Three Stooges I thought back on the past year. Warren decided that he didn't was to get married, I moved back to New York to be a recruiter, I realized that being a mom is a truly wonderful gift and I got someone back in my life who I hadn't realized I had missed so much. I reflected on the last ten and I have to say that I am not to proud of myself with certain things. I am not looking at 2010 as just a start to a new year I am looking at it as the start to a new decade.
I am not going to look back and dwell on things I cant change. No longer will I beg and plead for someone to come. If you can deal with my life and the things I want to accomplish then all I can say is kick rocks. I am not going to be double minded anymore. I am going to stick to my decisions. I am not going to focus on getting into a relationship because I have so many to work on already i.e friends, family, the people I work with. I won't compromise who I am for a man. If I man is willing to cheat with you he is going to cheat on you. I am not going to take what people say at face value. I am not going to recycle boyfriends an ex is an ex for a reason. What I learned with Warren was that men don't change especially if they don't think they are doing anything wrong.

I need to be closer to God. My life turns to shambles when I exclude him from it. I can be angry at him when things turn out badly but when they are good I pick him back up again.

I am 27 years old, I am not that 17y/o who thinks that the world is great. A lot of hurt and pain could have been avoided if I had been patient. So I am going to wait, not to be swayed by whims, desires, or fears of being alone. When I am in the place I need to be it will happen. I am a firm believer that there is someone out there for everyone. The reason that it takes longer for some is because we never slow down. We are in such a rush that we settle to be with someone who only fits part of what we want and we think that over time we can get them to change. We think that eventually with training and time they will be the total package. Not knowing that if we wait and just become the people that we are meant to be everything else false into place.

I spent so much time worrying about being married that I let a lot of things fall by the way side. I invested so much time in being everything for everyone that I neglected myself. Over the last few years I have gained much more than just a sense of who I am. I found out what I am capable of and that there is nothing that I can accomplish. I don't have any regrets but I am looking at 2010 as the start of a new life and fresh start to go even further than I have. I know that when the time is right love will fall into place. In the mean time I am going to cherish every moment that I have with the people I love and care about.

Friendship

We each have that person in our lives that for whatever reason people may not understand why you remain close. Out of all the people that I know who have come and gonr there are those who remain. Years pass, you grow up, life changes you and yet coming together is like pcking up where you left off. You wonder why is it so simple with them and yet with others it so difficult to cultivate the type of relationship where you get a sense of fullfillment in what you have together. Far and few in between are the people that you can trust or will always be there to support you. I rather have two to three great friends than to surround my self by hundreds and still feel alone.

If you are wondering what sparked this train of thought it was the last coupple of months. I have a friend who we have known each other for about 11 years. We have suffered the loss of loved ones together and have managed to be involved in our best and worst moments. If you knew our history you would probably be standing in the line with all the others who scratch their head and wonder why. I know that for myself I am asked if I believe that it is lifes way of keeping us around each other enough for us to grow so that later on there might be more. I like to think of it that we have a good friendship. We understand each other and because of who we have become we share something that is amazing. We have a bond that allows us to be the real person. We are never trying to impress each other or keep up appearences. He is the one person that I can break down to and not be worried that he is judging me. I suppose that comes from the fact we do share a history. In some ways our friendship is proof that if you stick at it you can create something beautiful. So many people give up when things get hard. They never invest the time or the patience to ensure that they are both getting something out of the relationship. When I say relationship I dont mean significant others I am talking about the ones between ourseleves and the people in our lives. When you look at the way human beings treat each other it is mostly one person or both trying to change the other. Some people are never satisfied with the person standing in front of them. My take on it is that if you have a person in your life and you accepted them the way they were why change that? Wouldn't it be easier to just let the person go? Why hurt each other by continuing to look at the other persons shortcomings. All you do is create resentment. The other person will no longer wish to want to be around you. Part of friendship is that you learn from each others differences. You become more aware that what brings people together could be any number of things.

For me personally I think we have managed to be close because we never tried to change each other. We accepted that we were similar in some ways but different in a lot of others. We both know the capacity that we have to care for each other. Most of all we value the time we have together because we don't always get to see each other. There is an appreciation that in this day and age our friendship provides something that most people search for and never find.

Rosehaven Inn

In 27 years I have never been on a vacation. Yes I have traveled to different countries but that was all worked related. Finally I got to to have my get away. I didn't go to some tropical beach or Europe. I find a litte bed and breakfast in Haines Fall, NY which is two and half hours away from the city. The house is amazing and the scenery is absolutely beautiful. My room has a queen size four poster bed and fire place. The bath room has a stand alone shower and a whirlpool tub. The tub is the best part. I got in it last night with my glass of wine and almost fell asleep. FYI don't drink and sit in the tub for an hour and then try to get up quickly.

This place is amazing and it just so quiet and peaceful. I want to make this my spot for all my get aways. I am so glad that I took the opportunity to do something like this for myself. Prior to the Navy I wasn't allowed to go out unaccompanied and after joining I had the boys. Having the boys living far away from me meant that anytime I had time off was to be spent going to NY to see them. Now that I am back home I can plan trips and not feel bad because I do get to spend all that time with them.

I am looking outside the window and there is freshly fallen snow outside. It makes it look so serene. It reminds me of a painting by Thomas Kincaid. At breakfast I got to speak to the owner and she is wonderfully charming woman. She has two masters and was an analyst for the state of New York social services officer prior to running Inn's. She opened the Inn in Dec of 2003. The house itself is about 100 years old is fairly large compares to the other houses surrounding it. She bought the house in 2000 and conducted renovations on it for about three years. The town itself is quaint and just feels like a place you can call home. It is a drastic difference between here and the city. You have no choice but to slow down and just enjoy the beauty. The owner told me the best time is in the spring when it rains because after the rain stops the color are vibrant and are so inviting. She says when you go for a walk you can see waterfalls in all the little nooks.

This is a great place to relax and to clear your head. You can get away from the hustle and bustle and just relax. Cell phones do not get much service so you know that you will have an uniterrupted stay here. I am so in love with the house. I would only hope to be able to have my first home look as lovely this. Well I am off to take some pictures.