Time to step aside.

Letting go is one of the hardest things we can do. Especially when you don't want to. I asked a friend how do you know who is the real person you are getting when they have two sides. What do you if one of those sides hurts you. Do you let them go? His response was " If you let them go then you don't love them."

Last night I realized that I felt something very strongly for someone who I know I shouldn't. For the last couple of years I figured I had gotten over those feelings. We both have created lives for ourselves and have fallen in love with other people. When we got to our destination we went through our usual routine of joking around about the past but during the more serious ones I knew that my heart was setting itself up to get hurt. It hurts and bothers me a bit that he is still the only person I can open up to. He is the only person who I can feel comfortable being around. It bothered me that as I was sitting through dinner I remembered what it was that drew me to him. I wanted to say something at dinner but I decided not to for different reasons. One if he felt the same way he would say something. Second our lives are not compatible at all and we don't fit in with the others.

I put distance between us because I need to be able to maintain my focus on what I have in front of me. I can't allow myself to get wrapped up in some notion that anything can ever happen. Given our past and the fact that I know how he gets when you bring up any romantic notion. If I am the only one feeling this way which I sure I am I need to leave well enough alone. I am not going to compromise who I . I am glad that I was able to put aside that urge to tell him how I felt because no matter what I am feeling at the end of this trip we are our going our separate ways. Before I left my mom said something about it being funny if this trip ended up with us getting back together and it bothered me that it came up. Yes is it odd that I asked someone I had history with to come yes but to me it was more wanting to get to know more about him. Knowing that there is still that little bit of feeling has to be removed and that means stepping out of the picture.

We have done that whole scenario before and this is one time I am not going to be the one looking like a fool. Life is not a movie where people part ways and come back together as better versions of themselves. If I can be loving and caring with one then there shouldn't be any reason why I can't be that way with someone who is interested in me. I learned a lot about me through this trip. I am learning more about myself and how I can grow as a person. I need to make sure that my decisions are going to be to my benefit. Tomorrow is back to the real world and back to my life.