There isn't...

The first time I had a moment of clarity was when I realized that i didn't need to be in a relationship to feel like a complete person. There was a time when I thought that in order to have a wonderful life I needed to be with someone so that I wouldn't have to deal with life alone. The fact is that from as far back as I could remember everything I thought I couldn't do I actually already was. I thought I would never be able to get around alone because I couldn't drive, so I learned how to drive. Moments that I thought having an extra income in the house would be great, I just went ahead and got myself promoted. When I thought that I wouldn't be able to balance bills and work I realized I had been doing it all along and guess what by myself.

I thought I need a guy to tell me that I was amazing and wonderful but the fact was that I had to believe it for myself. Why should someone else think about me if I don't. I know that I am a wonderful person. I know that I am charming and witty and that sometimes I can be a dork. I am aware of the fact that I have a big heart and while in the past few have seen that it's okay. When I finally meet that guy he is going to see those qualitites in me. I am not going to have to tell him hey look at me. I won't have to say why can't you see that what you need is right here with me. Truth is when a man sees it he will let you know. Don't be discouraged if one or two don't. Think of it this way I rather wait for the guy who won't be able to take his eyes off of me. I rather wait for the guy who will know that I love him for him. I rather wait for that guy who won't be able to wait to talk to me. Why wait? for the simple reason is that when you are rushing to be with someone who partially meets your standards the one that qualifies will walk away.

If you are there waiting for a guy to see you that way and it's getting to the point you are feeling down because he doesn't just walk away. What one man ignores another man will cherish. So be patient and wait. I know that it is easier said than done, I have gone through it myself but so worth the wait.

What matters the most

On my last trip to Barnes and Noble I picked up the book "Notes Left Behind". It is a book written by a couple who lost their child to cancer. Their daughter was six years old when she passed away from a tumor that was located in the stem of her brain. Each time I pick it up tears fill my eyes as I read the story of this little family. It makes you look at your life and realize what is really important. I look at my own six year old who is vibrant, creative and full of life. I could not imagine having to go through what this couple endured. I look at my four year old who has this amazing personality and a smile that melts your heart. I watch them playing and in my world all is well but I know that I can always do more. You learn that while you are getting wrapped up in work, paying bills, going to school that they most productive time you have is with your family. Even if you don't have children I am sure there is someone out there who needs to hear from you more. That person needs to know that they are important enough for you to take time out for them.

I don't want to wake up one day and find that my time is limited with the ones that I love. I all can say is that when you are long and gone it is not what you did that matters it is how people rememeber you. It is how the ones that loved you remember you. What is the point of being successful if you neglected those that matter most. I am going to make sure that the people that I love know that they are loved. I am going to make it a point to tell them I appreciate them. Most important I am going to set time aside out for them.

My two additions to my life

I have two amazing little boys. If you ever met them you would fall right in love or at least that was the case for me. When I was expecting Julian it was a quite a roller coaster. His dad was on deployment and I was left all alone to go through an entire preganancy and birth. There were many times I would end up in the hospital not knowing if I was going into labor or if something was wrong. I would talk to him and rub my stomach and wonder which of the two he would like. Jules decided that he wanted to come into the world five days before he was due. I went into labor at six in the morning by one in the afternoon I was welcoming this little bundle of joy with lots of hair. While I was in labor I thought I wasn't going to make it. There were times when I would be so tired I just couldn't push anymore. My mom had flown in and she had this worry look on her face as if she were about to loose me. Till this day I have no idea where that extra strength came from but I got it together and brought this amazing bundle of joy into my world. He had perfect tan skin and straight jet black curly hair. Jules has gone through many different looks. He went from looking Indian, Arab and now to his present day features which are the ones that resemble me.

With Jake he decided that he was going to be born on his own time. He was born five days after his due date. The boys dad was on yet another deployment when I went into labor with him. Like with Jules I prepared his room. For Jules I had a solar system theme with glow in the dark stickers and had a model of the planets and sun hanging from the sealing. With Jacob I had the from prince. I painted the room the room to look like he was in a field with green for the grass and blue for the sky. Labor with Jake was different. I knew what to expect and had great communication with the doctors. Seeing as Jacob was on his own time table it got a little hectic when his heart rate started dropping and I still was not dialated to ten. They gave me something to help it along and after a bit we were ready to push. Unlike with Jules I had to wear an oxygen mask to help me breathe and at one point I had a nurse pushing down on my stomach. Jacob was a very stubborn child from the beginging. Then the moment came when I met him face to face. Jacob was my little old man, he came into this world bald and very wrinkle. The first thing he did was pee on the nurse. The moment I saw him him I fell in love for the second time. The first of course was when I met Jules.

To this day I still I stare at them in amazement. I play with their hair and give them countless hugs and kisses. When I get home I ask them about their day and read to them. When I tuck them in at night I kiss their foreheads and am so thankful I have them. When they get older I of course want to have another child and welcome into my life yet another addition to my family.

The heart has this amazing capacity to heal and to forgive. It has the ability to giving and kind. In the past recent events we has a people of combined races have shown that in the face of tragedy we will come together. So why is it that it takes for something so heart wrenching to happen? We should always be kind,sincere and open to embracing those that we encounter. I know we don't live in a perfect world where people are like that. There are those who take the ones around them for granted. It is sad because of those few others miss out on receiving compassion.

Past

Leave the past where it is. No matter what your heart is feeling remember that it can easily be decieved.

Time to step aside.

Letting go is one of the hardest things we can do. Especially when you don't want to. I asked a friend how do you know who is the real person you are getting when they have two sides. What do you if one of those sides hurts you. Do you let them go? His response was " If you let them go then you don't love them."

Last night I realized that I felt something very strongly for someone who I know I shouldn't. For the last couple of years I figured I had gotten over those feelings. We both have created lives for ourselves and have fallen in love with other people. When we got to our destination we went through our usual routine of joking around about the past but during the more serious ones I knew that my heart was setting itself up to get hurt. It hurts and bothers me a bit that he is still the only person I can open up to. He is the only person who I can feel comfortable being around. It bothered me that as I was sitting through dinner I remembered what it was that drew me to him. I wanted to say something at dinner but I decided not to for different reasons. One if he felt the same way he would say something. Second our lives are not compatible at all and we don't fit in with the others.

I put distance between us because I need to be able to maintain my focus on what I have in front of me. I can't allow myself to get wrapped up in some notion that anything can ever happen. Given our past and the fact that I know how he gets when you bring up any romantic notion. If I am the only one feeling this way which I sure I am I need to leave well enough alone. I am not going to compromise who I . I am glad that I was able to put aside that urge to tell him how I felt because no matter what I am feeling at the end of this trip we are our going our separate ways. Before I left my mom said something about it being funny if this trip ended up with us getting back together and it bothered me that it came up. Yes is it odd that I asked someone I had history with to come yes but to me it was more wanting to get to know more about him. Knowing that there is still that little bit of feeling has to be removed and that means stepping out of the picture.

We have done that whole scenario before and this is one time I am not going to be the one looking like a fool. Life is not a movie where people part ways and come back together as better versions of themselves. If I can be loving and caring with one then there shouldn't be any reason why I can't be that way with someone who is interested in me. I learned a lot about me through this trip. I am learning more about myself and how I can grow as a person. I need to make sure that my decisions are going to be to my benefit. Tomorrow is back to the real world and back to my life.

Ever sit back and think about the things that you miss. Being here in the mountains I have. I realized that I miss talking to people. I miss late night phone calls, hearing the other person laughing. I can't remember the last time I took a walk through Central Park holding hands. My favorite evenings are those where I end up having a great conversation be it at Barnes and Noble or my favorite little Italian place on Columbus Ave. or when I am walking side by side with someone on fifth ave. Forming that intimacy helps for making a great relationship. It actually makes me sad that I have allowed these simple forms of communicating and interacting to be replaced by impersonal methods that don't require meeting or talking. I couldn't even tell you the last time I had a phone conversation that I just laughed and was just so absorbed in what the other person was saying. Being here with my friend has opened my eyes that I need to get back to that place where I like being around great people. I have so many people who are just so amazing and rarely speak to them or look to speak to them.

I used to tell myself that it was okay if you didn't really speak on a regular basis. That is so far from the truth. If the silences are greater than the moments that you really do speak there is a problem. I understand what my ex meant when he said I seemed like a boring person. It is not enough to just be in the same room physically. There has to be a form of interaction and not just sexually. There were times when I thought that because we loved each that would sustain us. We spoke but never about anything of any importance. When he asked me what his favorite song was I couldn't answer. I was really taken back at how little we knew about each other. Yes we messaged each other and yes we spoke on the phone but when we were physically together he would watch television and I would be reading a book. Communication doesn't always have to be some deep philosophical discussion it can be about anything. When I lived in Virginia Colin and I would take our usual spots on the sofa and just talk about random things. We became each others best friend. Even having someone explain football can bring just a bit closer together. When you ask questions and spark conversations it send a message that you care enough to want to know about what they like. Verbal communication can open doors to the inner most part of who a person is. If you don't discuss face to face what your dreams and aspirations are how can you encourage or feel encouraged to actual pursue those ambitions. Granted some may say do you really need someone else to help you with taking the next step but take a second to think about this. When you are child don't your parents give you that same encouragement and support. Why should that need change when you become an adult. I am all for Independence but in all reality you can't do it all on your own. Example of not doing it on your own is networking. We will go and spend time creating a relationship that will help lift our social status but not one that enriches us personally and emotionally. What is the point of knowing 1000 people if none of them are people that you have any real connection with them.

I may sound mushy or a little naive but if you are one of those people who wonder why is it that you seem to have one failed relationship/friendship after the other. Look at your habits of communication.

Who needs to meet people when you have a smart phone.

The other day a friend and I were discussing how people don't write letters anymore or even call people to say hello. In this day and age everything is done through that small little electronic device called a smart phone. You can now text, tweet, email, instant message and never once have to actually hear the sound of anothers voice. You know longer have to sit down with pen and paper and actually write a letter. Communicating face to face has become a foreign concept to todays society.

It wasn't until recently that I realized how annoying it was to share space with someone and have them constantly on their phone. My mother once told me that when I moved back home it was like having me live in Virginia because I myself was always on the phone. I failed to cultivate proper relationships with the people around me. I found it humurous when I turned on the radion to be informed that John Mayer was going to do a digital cleanse in which he was not going to text, tweet, facebook, or email from his smart phone.

Having removed the sense of needing to connect to people personally, it has now come to the point that you don't even give the other person eye contact anymore. People don't hold hands, hug. When you look at the couple sitting next to you at the restaruant you will notice that they are on their phones. Instead of the phone being a distraction you will notice that the distraction is actually coming from the person sitting across from them. I know that I myself have been guilty of this and I also know that when it has happened to me I have been upset. I have been left thinking I might as well as stayed home and just text the person the whole evening.

I have also noticed that even my handwriting has suffered. I loved writing but again what is the point in writing when you can now type and quickly send with the push of a button. I have decided to take some small steps in order to ween myself off my blackberry. I want to make my communication with others more personal. I want to call people more. If I am dating someone I want to leave them little notes to show them that I took the time out to write a note.

If you really wanted to speak to someone why not just call them. If you are going to spend all that time texting why not pick up the phone. Yes I know that people will say that I am too busy to call but think about you just said. Instead of speaking to the person for 10 mins you would rather spend 30 mins typing and waiting for a response. What sense does that make? I myself have been guilty of this. I do it all the time but I am starting to think that those close to me who have brought it to my attention are correct.

2010

People take the New Year to start fresh. They make resolutions and plans for what they want to accomplish. As I sat on the couch watching The Three Stooges I thought back on the past year. Warren decided that he didn't was to get married, I moved back to New York to be a recruiter, I realized that being a mom is a truly wonderful gift and I got someone back in my life who I hadn't realized I had missed so much. I reflected on the last ten and I have to say that I am not to proud of myself with certain things. I am not looking at 2010 as just a start to a new year I am looking at it as the start to a new decade.
I am not going to look back and dwell on things I cant change. No longer will I beg and plead for someone to come. If you can deal with my life and the things I want to accomplish then all I can say is kick rocks. I am not going to be double minded anymore. I am going to stick to my decisions. I am not going to focus on getting into a relationship because I have so many to work on already i.e friends, family, the people I work with. I won't compromise who I am for a man. If I man is willing to cheat with you he is going to cheat on you. I am not going to take what people say at face value. I am not going to recycle boyfriends an ex is an ex for a reason. What I learned with Warren was that men don't change especially if they don't think they are doing anything wrong.

I need to be closer to God. My life turns to shambles when I exclude him from it. I can be angry at him when things turn out badly but when they are good I pick him back up again.

I am 27 years old, I am not that 17y/o who thinks that the world is great. A lot of hurt and pain could have been avoided if I had been patient. So I am going to wait, not to be swayed by whims, desires, or fears of being alone. When I am in the place I need to be it will happen. I am a firm believer that there is someone out there for everyone. The reason that it takes longer for some is because we never slow down. We are in such a rush that we settle to be with someone who only fits part of what we want and we think that over time we can get them to change. We think that eventually with training and time they will be the total package. Not knowing that if we wait and just become the people that we are meant to be everything else false into place.

I spent so much time worrying about being married that I let a lot of things fall by the way side. I invested so much time in being everything for everyone that I neglected myself. Over the last few years I have gained much more than just a sense of who I am. I found out what I am capable of and that there is nothing that I can accomplish. I don't have any regrets but I am looking at 2010 as the start of a new life and fresh start to go even further than I have. I know that when the time is right love will fall into place. In the mean time I am going to cherish every moment that I have with the people I love and care about.

Friendship

We each have that person in our lives that for whatever reason people may not understand why you remain close. Out of all the people that I know who have come and gonr there are those who remain. Years pass, you grow up, life changes you and yet coming together is like pcking up where you left off. You wonder why is it so simple with them and yet with others it so difficult to cultivate the type of relationship where you get a sense of fullfillment in what you have together. Far and few in between are the people that you can trust or will always be there to support you. I rather have two to three great friends than to surround my self by hundreds and still feel alone.

If you are wondering what sparked this train of thought it was the last coupple of months. I have a friend who we have known each other for about 11 years. We have suffered the loss of loved ones together and have managed to be involved in our best and worst moments. If you knew our history you would probably be standing in the line with all the others who scratch their head and wonder why. I know that for myself I am asked if I believe that it is lifes way of keeping us around each other enough for us to grow so that later on there might be more. I like to think of it that we have a good friendship. We understand each other and because of who we have become we share something that is amazing. We have a bond that allows us to be the real person. We are never trying to impress each other or keep up appearences. He is the one person that I can break down to and not be worried that he is judging me. I suppose that comes from the fact we do share a history. In some ways our friendship is proof that if you stick at it you can create something beautiful. So many people give up when things get hard. They never invest the time or the patience to ensure that they are both getting something out of the relationship. When I say relationship I dont mean significant others I am talking about the ones between ourseleves and the people in our lives. When you look at the way human beings treat each other it is mostly one person or both trying to change the other. Some people are never satisfied with the person standing in front of them. My take on it is that if you have a person in your life and you accepted them the way they were why change that? Wouldn't it be easier to just let the person go? Why hurt each other by continuing to look at the other persons shortcomings. All you do is create resentment. The other person will no longer wish to want to be around you. Part of friendship is that you learn from each others differences. You become more aware that what brings people together could be any number of things.

For me personally I think we have managed to be close because we never tried to change each other. We accepted that we were similar in some ways but different in a lot of others. We both know the capacity that we have to care for each other. Most of all we value the time we have together because we don't always get to see each other. There is an appreciation that in this day and age our friendship provides something that most people search for and never find.

Rosehaven Inn

In 27 years I have never been on a vacation. Yes I have traveled to different countries but that was all worked related. Finally I got to to have my get away. I didn't go to some tropical beach or Europe. I find a litte bed and breakfast in Haines Fall, NY which is two and half hours away from the city. The house is amazing and the scenery is absolutely beautiful. My room has a queen size four poster bed and fire place. The bath room has a stand alone shower and a whirlpool tub. The tub is the best part. I got in it last night with my glass of wine and almost fell asleep. FYI don't drink and sit in the tub for an hour and then try to get up quickly.

This place is amazing and it just so quiet and peaceful. I want to make this my spot for all my get aways. I am so glad that I took the opportunity to do something like this for myself. Prior to the Navy I wasn't allowed to go out unaccompanied and after joining I had the boys. Having the boys living far away from me meant that anytime I had time off was to be spent going to NY to see them. Now that I am back home I can plan trips and not feel bad because I do get to spend all that time with them.

I am looking outside the window and there is freshly fallen snow outside. It makes it look so serene. It reminds me of a painting by Thomas Kincaid. At breakfast I got to speak to the owner and she is wonderfully charming woman. She has two masters and was an analyst for the state of New York social services officer prior to running Inn's. She opened the Inn in Dec of 2003. The house itself is about 100 years old is fairly large compares to the other houses surrounding it. She bought the house in 2000 and conducted renovations on it for about three years. The town itself is quaint and just feels like a place you can call home. It is a drastic difference between here and the city. You have no choice but to slow down and just enjoy the beauty. The owner told me the best time is in the spring when it rains because after the rain stops the color are vibrant and are so inviting. She says when you go for a walk you can see waterfalls in all the little nooks.

This is a great place to relax and to clear your head. You can get away from the hustle and bustle and just relax. Cell phones do not get much service so you know that you will have an uniterrupted stay here. I am so in love with the house. I would only hope to be able to have my first home look as lovely this. Well I am off to take some pictures.