My most important relationship

I have two boys are just the most amazing kids in the world. I have been away from them for a long time because of my line of work. My mom has does an amazing job in raising them. I could not thank her enough for what she does. I have been stationed on a ship for the most part of my career so I was pretty much a weekend mom. I drove up to NY every other weekend and took off four days out the month to see them. While any time I spend with them is important it took away from us getting to know each other. I took orders to be recruiting and I am seeing first hand what I had been missing out. I get to wake up with them every morning and take Jules to school. I spend weekends with them and we get to go to museums and movies. I make them breakfast and we have our trips to the diner (the boys let me know when my cooking is not up to par). This time with them made me see that regardless of whether I am in a relationship or not these two will be there. These two wonderful little boys love me unconditionally that they don't care about weight, how my hair looks. They just want to know that mom is going to be there when they go to sleep and when they wake up. I am blessed to have this time with them and that I don't get to miss out on the important things like birthdays and holidays and school plays.

Too many times we fail to see how much we really have. We can focus to much on what we are lacking and neglect those around us. I want my children to be able to say their mother was there and that she loved them. I don't want them to think of me as just some part time figure. It is all up to me and the decisions that I make.

It's done

I have spent so much time angry with you and with myself that the time has come for me to let you go. I wanted things to be different this time around. I told myself that if I just remained by your side that one day you would see how much I cared. I thought if I put more of myself that it would mean something to you but it didn't. I can't be angry at the fact you never noticed or care to notice the measures I took to be by your side. I didn't fly cross country or stay up late to talk on the phone for you to thank me. I did those things because I loved you. I did them because when you want to make it work and are committed to it these things are not great feats. Was I foolish, more than likely but I was in love. Who is to say what is going above and beyond. You make due with what you have. I forgive you now and I do it not so that you can sleep at night. I do it because from this point forward I know just how great my capacity to love it. I know that with patience someone will come along and you will be but a distant memory. I wish you the best and as of today I have cried my last tear. As of today I am no longer angry and from my the bottom of my heart I wish you nothing but the best.

Their story was like a page out of book you never want to put down. They lost contact and many years later they found each other. That day she got the phone call she thought everything was falling into place. The man of her dreams had finally found her. He says all the right things and all her friends are taken in by his charisma. He has this smile that makes you melt. When he kisses your lips your heart just melts. Those are the moments when he is nice. There is the other side to him. The side that says mean and hurtful things. The side that rejects you and then makes you feel like it is all your fault. You are never thin or thick enough. Your hair is never long enough. Promises are broken and words hold no meaning. You think to yourself maybe if you just hang on a little longer that it will work itself out. You think if I am a little more understanding everything will be okay. In time you see that they don't work out. He finds attention somewhere else. He tells you that he feels he is missing something else and that you don't fit that picture of his perfect woman. You feel like you have been kicked while you are down. You have no where to turn and you wonder how did it get like this.

It's simple really, you chose not to see that he was still the same person. He was still that guy that was so full of himself. You look back and you ask yourself why would you want to be with someone who never meets you half way. You have to see that anyone who doesn't appreciate you is not worth your time. Anyone who would risk all that you have put into the relationship for something meaningless is not worth it. Too many times we are ready to accept anything for the sake of not being alone. For all you know the one person that is meant for you is wondering to themselves where is their other half. We need to take the time and figure out who we are so that we wont be blind when that person comes along and is using use. Anyone who will cheat and say things to hurt you doesn't love you. Yes there are those few instances when someone does change but that is because they have matured. In this day and age people don't look to better themselves or change foolish ways. In their eyes they are already perfect. Don't get caught up in the pretty smile and smooth talk because before you know it he is not the person you thought.

There was a time when I wanted to feel apprecitated. I wanted that the people in my life would take notice of the things I did for them. After a while you give up on that because you realize that people for the most part are selfish and will never really take the time out to notice that despite how they treat you, you are always there for them. It would hurt me that they never took an opportunity to say "thank you" or " that mean a lot to me". One would think that I would change who I am and be selfish but no. I learned that I get satisfaction not from their acknowledgement but because I know that at the end of the day I love them and I want them to be happy. Who am I to hold a grudge or let bitterness take over my life.

I have a friend that I speak to every once in a while. We have a story behind our friendship and for the most part no one understands why I entertain him. The fact is that I made a promise to him a long time ago that I would always be there. He may not be the greatest friend or the most considerate but if I can be the one person he can count on then it will be okay. We all need that one person that will be there for us when no one else is around. We all need that one person that believes in us when no one else does. I am not saying that I am that person. I know that in his life he has people all around him but it never hurts to have one more.

To make a long story short I know that we want people to be grateful for the fact that we care so much. Part of caring for them is understanding that sometimes we have a thankless job. Our job is not to remind them that we are there but just be present when those moments arise that they need us.

What is a girl to do

When it comes to our love lives we all want the story that we can pass down. We want the story that allows people to feel every emotion you are feeling. What happens when you get the begining but somewhere along the line it disapppears. What do you when promises are broken and at the end of the day you are left wondering what happened. You have the memories of what once was and in view traces of what could have been. You think back and you wonder where did it all go wrong. At what point did you stop listening to each other and ignore the signs of what was about to happen. You are kept up with nights in which you wonder did I do all that could. Some days you tell yourself you did and others you feel less confident.

You decide that you want to try to make it work but you find that it is only one putting forth the effort. You make excuses as to why it is only you but at the end of the day you are running out. Each day you tell yourself I am going to be happy and I am just going to let go but towards the end you want that feeling back. Today you look in the mirror and say I am going to move on and start fresh. A month into starting fresh you get a text from him. The next three times you tell yourself you are going to move on he does the same thing. You think maybe it is a sign and that maybe the story isn't over. Over the course of two days things going back to being bleak. You tell yourself that you deserve better. Whether you believe it or not is a different story. You tell yourself that no matter what you have to move forward.

Everyone has a life that they have to live. If one aspect of it is not working you should take the time to concentrate on the things that are going well. Don't worry about the things that you can not control because when you least expect them to it will change. I am not perfect but then again who is. There is no point in holding on to something in which I am going to end up letting life pass me by. All we can do is love the people in our lives and hope the best for them.

Sticking to it. - Samantha Ruiz's MySpace Blog | Disclosure: These are my thoughts and feelings if you can't handle what you read please feel free to exit out of my page.

Sticking to it. - Samantha Ruiz's MySpace Blog Disclosure: These are my thoughts and feelings if you can't handle what you read please feel free to exit out of my page.: "Part of being in a relationship is trusting and faith in God. We may not know what he works the way that he does but sometimes it is not for us to understand. A relationship take work and time invested to make it work. It is easy to love someone in the good times the true test comes when you hit those moments that test you. That is when you realize just how much faith that you really have place in God. The people that we love are going to go through things that we may not understand. Those things may test our limits but it is during that time you find out what you are made out of. Sometimes God puts us in these places because he wants us to turn to him. He wants us to see that we can't do everything ourselves and we have to include him. I know that during the last two weeks I have had to turn to him to better understand what the person I loved was going through. I also had to learn the difference between a healthy love and one that wasn't. I realized that the person I wanted to share my life with was very important to me and that I was willing to stick by him. It is always easier to give it. People will give you reasons why you should walk away but that is where the true test lies. If everytime something hard came my way and I ran away from it how was I know how strong I really was. It is always easy to say how you would handle a situtation but until you are in it you have no clue. I can say that at this point I am learning what it is to be a good girlfriend. I am learning that there is more to a relationship that just the good times. It is the times that test you that bring you closer together. They are the times that make you appreciate what you have."

Samantha Ruiz's MySpace Blog | Disclosure: These are my thoughts and feelings if you can't handle what you read please feel free to exit out of my page.

Samantha Ruiz's MySpace Blog Disclosure: These are my thoughts and feelings if you can't handle what you read please feel free to exit out of my page.: "Me
I am who I am.
I am not going to change that because it may not be what someone wants. The qualities I have make me unique. I don't have to be loud to get my point across. So what if I don't have a big butt or breast out to there. I love the fact that I have curly hair. I can't be worried about the people who don't love me or think I am special because I have people who do know what I am worth and appreciate me. I am quiet and reserved because I am not busy trying to fight the world. I love to read because last time I checked I didn't want to be stupid. I am not going to stop wanting things out of life because a person may not be ready. I share my heart and love because the world is already messed up as it is. People have become lovers of themselves and I am not going to follow in that trend. I want that at the end of the day, when I look in the mirror I am not ashamed of what I see. God made me the way I am for a reason. I could be a lot worse things in life but I am thankful that I am not. My heart is big my soul is quiet. I am not looking for riches, fancy cars or a big house. I want a comfortable life with lots of love and laughter. People measure success by different means that is how I measure it."

I am crying

I am crying again. Do you see it? do You even care? I asked you why do you do the things you do and I get no response. I ask you to talk to me and I all I get is silence. You try to make me feel better and say I did all I can do. That is not me, it's you. I am crying again. I am writing you letters that I will never send. Each one say almost the same things just different variations. I want to get on a plane but how will I be received if at all. The last time I saw you, you told me I seemed boring. You weren't sure if you would be missing out on something else. I am in my room under the covers just wanting for some release. I am crying wondering why can I never get it right. I thought we were happy and on the road to bliss. From the outside it looks like a fairytale but when we are home it's different. No one sees when you ignore me or the nights when you reject me. People like you because you are charming but they never see the person I see. I love you but I have to love me more. I am not that same girl asking myself "is he really speaking to me?" I am a princess I deserve better but you can't see that. You don't see that I love you or that I am committed to you. All you see is how your life is going and I am just an accessory. I am crying again this time I am happy. I removed you from my life and though it is hard it is not impossible. The same way you don't think about me I am not going to think about you.

Breathe

I tell myself I know what I want and in all reality I don't. I sell myself short and settle out of fear that I can't do better. I can tell myself a million times that I don't deserve to be treated this way and do nothing to change it. I hate having someone tell me they love me and are glad to have me but actions prove otherwise. Don't tell me it is you and I forever if forever is but a brief moment. My heart is never returned in the way I gave it, each time a bit more is chipped away.I look in the mirror to see someone else looking back at me. She looks older, sadder just at the point where you are begining to say whats the use. I want to cry, scream and just let it all out but to whom do you do that to when know on is there. I feel the tears coming but I can't let them out. I say I want closure and I am starting to think that it doesn't exist. Who do I turn to know when all have walked away? Where do I go if nothing feels like home. I tell myself just be patient when I least expect it that's when it will happen. I am beginging to doubt that. I want to just say I accpet that fact that some people never find that person and that I should continue to be happy with the life I have now. I am grateful for what I do have but I long for to feel what true love is. I want to feel the embrace of another, that kiss that sends your senses tingling. I want to know what it is to have someone make a compromise for me. I want to know what it is to have someone say I gave it from here you can let go now. So until that day I will be strong and I will hold on. I will do all the things I have continued to do and just ask God to help me go a bit further. To be the best that I can be at home, at work, at school and everything else. At the end of the day I need to just breathe.

Who we are

Each and every person has a story. They have moments that define who they are and have made choices about where they were going. Everyone has a choice in life, you can choose to be happy or you can choose to allow your circumstances to bring you down. Are there things that hurt us yes but why let it control us. If the people who love you are there for you regardless why should you beat yourself up over it. If people have forgiven you why hold on to it. If we are unhappy with an aspect of our lives why not do something to change it. Instead of using it as a crutch, take a stand and tell yourself I will not allow it to dictate who I am. Are there going to be things that we can change, yes but does that mean we should just give up all together no it doesn't. Take the things that you can control and change it to fit where it is that you want to be in life. Be proactive about your life and take a stand against being another victem. Yes it is easier said than done but I speak from experience. We have all been at a point where we think we can't go on that everything is hopeless but it isn't. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. It may be faint but it is there. We as a society as a people have proven time and time again that we adapt and overcome. If you utilize what you have available to you nothing is impossible but if you sit there and sulk and never take that step who have you to blame. Don't let what is going on around you bring you down. Look neither to the left nor to the right, keep your eyes focused on what is ahead and you can achieve anything. Believe in yourself and remember that at the time it make seem impossible but take a step back and look at the bigger picture and you will be okay.

The funny thing is

I tried to pretend that I didn't feel anything for him but that wasn't case. Why couldn't we live in the same location. I wondered why didn't I invest in us. I thought we didn't need work but that wasn't the case. You have to keep that fire going. With him I feel fire and passion. There are times when I think of him and it makes my heart hurt.It is easy to say let him go and to an extent I have. What can I say I miss him sometimes.