My time in Japan is coming to a close so my goal for the next few months s is to take snap shots of my favorite places and foods that have made being away from those I love bearable. I have been on this journey called the Navy for almost 13 years and I am ending one more chapter on this ride that is bringing me closer to be home.
So tomorrow January 20th 2014 is when the countdown begins to getting home. Let us see where we end up. First order of business is getting through the rest of this duty day...
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Navy: Welcome to the ship
Back story: I always make it a point to talk to my sailors about what they should be mindful of during their first few years in the Navy. Your first enlistment can set the tone for what it is going to be like for you on your first ship. Some who read this may think I am saying too much but I wish someone had spoken to me when I first arrived to the ship and took me under their wing. Besides many of my counterparts have told me I should right this stuff down. I am sure other have but here is my take.
When you first see your new command you are overcome with a few emotions. Fear, apprehension, excitement, awe, shock etc.. You come across the brow and request permission to come aboard and wait patiently for your sponsor to arrive. You are all smiles and saying hello to everyone who passes you by. You notice that the guys take notice of you and smile. Finally you get picked up and go to meet your chief. He/She ask you a couple of questions and then assign someone to show you around. Here is where things can go well or not so well. You can A) have the squared away sailor who will take care of you or B) the guy on his way out which no one wants to task anything with so they entrust you to him. Lets hope you get A) because you will be fine. Once you get settled you get into the groove of things, here is what you need to be mindful of.
I want you to understand this everyone is pretty in the Navy. If you are "New" you are the most beautiful thing anyone has ever seen. To break it down to you, you are what they call "fresh meat". There are people who are genuinely helpful there are others who want to take advantage of you. If a guy comes up to you after a few weeks and tells you the following statements I want you RUN AWAY FROM HIM!!!! here are few:
1) I have seen you around the boat and I see you keep to yourself. I like that because I don't like anyone in my business. (Truth: He is trying to be the first person to sleep with you. He also doesn't want anyone to blow his cover about being the player.)
2) I know how hard it can be being the new kid so if you ever want to get away I have place you can stay at. (Don't go to his house and be a statistic.)
3) I don't really talk to these girls because they are out there. ( He doesn't talk to them because he had them already.)
Let's say no one has bothered you and you have made it to month six on the ship with out becoming a notch on the belt. (Good job but you are not done yet, deployment is in two weeks.) Deployment hits, you are two weeks in, you start getting a slew of emails. If any of the following happen to you please tell them to leave you alone and report them.
1) I have seen you around the ship, I think you are cute, want to grab chow sometime? (He wants to show everyone on the ship that he is thinking of making you a boat boo, depending on which meals and how often you are probably one of many)
I want you to think of the first two weeks as draft picks for how will be the boo of choice.
2) I am married but we are separated. We have an understanding. ( The only things separating them is the deployment you are on.)
I can't tell you how many times I have seen this only for it to end badly for the girl.
3) I can't help it if other girls like me. (Those girls mean mugging you and being nosy as to who you are to him were the flavor of the month last cruise and her henchmen.)
4) I hope that I can trust you not to say anything because we can get into a lot of trouble but I think you are worth it. (Sweetie, while being with someone in Khakis maybe hot you will get into a world of hurt. Understand this no man is worth loosing your career.)
Again, I tell all my sailors this tidbit of info, your first four years in the Navy are setting the foundations of who you will become whether in the military or in the civilian sector. There will always be time for dating, take care of you first. Why? Simply because if you get caught up you can get pregnant, an STI, sent to captains mast for adultery and fraternization. You don't want to be the girl dubbed the easy one.
Do you ever wonder what happens at the end of deployment? The girl gets pregnant and ends up alone because the guys is going back to his wife whom is waiting on the pier with their children. You find out you were not the only one and end up on the medical hit list for a STI. He tells everyone he got you to fall for him and thus opens the flood gates for every idiot to try and sleep with you.
If your parents never told you this in your life, I will tell you right now. You are beautiful, you are smart, intelligent, worthy of someone treating you with love and respect. Set the tone and the standard of how you want to be treated. The military is too small for you to make careless decisions. There is so much you can benefit from this experience if you would just be patient and take care of you first. Keep your goals in mind and stay focused on what you were trying to accomplish.
If you are that girl trying to show the world you are not a statistic forge a way for yourself. Find a mentor and strong leader who will support and mold you. Build a support system of people who you can trust, are like minded and will be there for you.
Not everyone is like this, there are some great people with whom you will build lasting friendships for years to come, BUT, do not just lay down with anyone. Take the time to get to know someone and not just the person they want to show you. The signs are there you just have to watch them. You are worth more than any diamond or pearl. Who you are is priceless and irreplaceable.
When you first see your new command you are overcome with a few emotions. Fear, apprehension, excitement, awe, shock etc.. You come across the brow and request permission to come aboard and wait patiently for your sponsor to arrive. You are all smiles and saying hello to everyone who passes you by. You notice that the guys take notice of you and smile. Finally you get picked up and go to meet your chief. He/She ask you a couple of questions and then assign someone to show you around. Here is where things can go well or not so well. You can A) have the squared away sailor who will take care of you or B) the guy on his way out which no one wants to task anything with so they entrust you to him. Lets hope you get A) because you will be fine. Once you get settled you get into the groove of things, here is what you need to be mindful of.
I want you to understand this everyone is pretty in the Navy. If you are "New" you are the most beautiful thing anyone has ever seen. To break it down to you, you are what they call "fresh meat". There are people who are genuinely helpful there are others who want to take advantage of you. If a guy comes up to you after a few weeks and tells you the following statements I want you RUN AWAY FROM HIM!!!! here are few:
1) I have seen you around the boat and I see you keep to yourself. I like that because I don't like anyone in my business. (Truth: He is trying to be the first person to sleep with you. He also doesn't want anyone to blow his cover about being the player.)
2) I know how hard it can be being the new kid so if you ever want to get away I have place you can stay at. (Don't go to his house and be a statistic.)
3) I don't really talk to these girls because they are out there. ( He doesn't talk to them because he had them already.)
Let's say no one has bothered you and you have made it to month six on the ship with out becoming a notch on the belt. (Good job but you are not done yet, deployment is in two weeks.) Deployment hits, you are two weeks in, you start getting a slew of emails. If any of the following happen to you please tell them to leave you alone and report them.
1) I have seen you around the ship, I think you are cute, want to grab chow sometime? (He wants to show everyone on the ship that he is thinking of making you a boat boo, depending on which meals and how often you are probably one of many)
I want you to think of the first two weeks as draft picks for how will be the boo of choice.
2) I am married but we are separated. We have an understanding. ( The only things separating them is the deployment you are on.)
I can't tell you how many times I have seen this only for it to end badly for the girl.
3) I can't help it if other girls like me. (Those girls mean mugging you and being nosy as to who you are to him were the flavor of the month last cruise and her henchmen.)
4) I hope that I can trust you not to say anything because we can get into a lot of trouble but I think you are worth it. (Sweetie, while being with someone in Khakis maybe hot you will get into a world of hurt. Understand this no man is worth loosing your career.)
Again, I tell all my sailors this tidbit of info, your first four years in the Navy are setting the foundations of who you will become whether in the military or in the civilian sector. There will always be time for dating, take care of you first. Why? Simply because if you get caught up you can get pregnant, an STI, sent to captains mast for adultery and fraternization. You don't want to be the girl dubbed the easy one.
Do you ever wonder what happens at the end of deployment? The girl gets pregnant and ends up alone because the guys is going back to his wife whom is waiting on the pier with their children. You find out you were not the only one and end up on the medical hit list for a STI. He tells everyone he got you to fall for him and thus opens the flood gates for every idiot to try and sleep with you.
If your parents never told you this in your life, I will tell you right now. You are beautiful, you are smart, intelligent, worthy of someone treating you with love and respect. Set the tone and the standard of how you want to be treated. The military is too small for you to make careless decisions. There is so much you can benefit from this experience if you would just be patient and take care of you first. Keep your goals in mind and stay focused on what you were trying to accomplish.
If you are that girl trying to show the world you are not a statistic forge a way for yourself. Find a mentor and strong leader who will support and mold you. Build a support system of people who you can trust, are like minded and will be there for you.
Not everyone is like this, there are some great people with whom you will build lasting friendships for years to come, BUT, do not just lay down with anyone. Take the time to get to know someone and not just the person they want to show you. The signs are there you just have to watch them. You are worth more than any diamond or pearl. Who you are is priceless and irreplaceable.
Mirror
Little known fact, I hate the mirror. The mirror is the one place I try no to look at for too long simply because I start to pick apart the person who is in it. At my age you would think I would be passed the insecurity phase but when you are single, have two kids, no prospects of a boyfriend let alone husband in sight and you work in a field where all the younger girls are ripe for the picking you tend to feel less than attractive. I have gained weight and I not complaining, I could go to the gym but I am sick of seeing thin girls walk around in skimpy outfits making it look effortless when all I want to do is have a sundae with extra hot fudge and whipped cream. I thought about plastic surgery but found better use fpr them money than having a procedure that would have to be repeated in ten years.
So for those of you in my shoes how do you become comfortable in your own skin? How do you maneuver your way through the gym and "dig deep" to say screw the skinny girl bouncing on the treadmill next to you? It's strange because I have never cared about what people thought of me or my body. I relished becoming 30 because I came to a point where I accomplished a lot than I thought I would. I love food and I find dieting to be anti everything I stand for. I used to like running but then I asked myself "why am I doing this?" and then stopped. I am not going to blame media or what public image deems beautiful because apparently I never fit that mold from early on so I found my own inner beauty.
Lately it seems that every time I look into it I see that my nose is a little big, my chin is askew, my middle is trying to take over and my butt, well we will leave that one alone, have all decided to join the anti Sam party. I see my friends have found this inner strength but they are all the married ones or the one in committed relationships. The others just find the gym a natural place to be. Am I missing something, have I blocked something traumatic that caused this feeling or is it natural at this age to start questioning are you attractive?
I know I am babbling just confused.
So for those of you in my shoes how do you become comfortable in your own skin? How do you maneuver your way through the gym and "dig deep" to say screw the skinny girl bouncing on the treadmill next to you? It's strange because I have never cared about what people thought of me or my body. I relished becoming 30 because I came to a point where I accomplished a lot than I thought I would. I love food and I find dieting to be anti everything I stand for. I used to like running but then I asked myself "why am I doing this?" and then stopped. I am not going to blame media or what public image deems beautiful because apparently I never fit that mold from early on so I found my own inner beauty.
Lately it seems that every time I look into it I see that my nose is a little big, my chin is askew, my middle is trying to take over and my butt, well we will leave that one alone, have all decided to join the anti Sam party. I see my friends have found this inner strength but they are all the married ones or the one in committed relationships. The others just find the gym a natural place to be. Am I missing something, have I blocked something traumatic that caused this feeling or is it natural at this age to start questioning are you attractive?
I know I am babbling just confused.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Self Help Books + My Life = ???
In the age of self help books I too fell victim to the craze. At 31 I realize that all those books I bought to get over heartbreak, be skinny, and to learn who I was just left me asking myself, "Did I really just spend money on this book.". Life, is something that no book can prepare you for and believe me I bought a book for just about anything you can think of. When I felt lost in the dating world I bought the typical how to meet a guy/ get over a guy book. When I started gaining weight I went out a bought one of those health books with workouts/ recipes and tips on how to be a better you. After reading them I felt worse about myself, and over all just had that hopeless feeling that I wasn't good enough.
It took for my mother of all people to point something out to me. These people that write these books know nothing about the individual. There wasn't a book on this Earth that was going to change the way I felt about myself until I was ready to change the things I disliked about me. The same applies for liking the qualities about myself that others seem to think were boring.
I love to read, it is one of my passions, I can get lost in a good book and forget to eat. A guy I had dated back in 2009 asked me one morning was thins going to be our life together, that I seemed like a boring person because all I wanted to do was read. After that day it was hard not to play those words in my head. I have curly hair, every guy I dated preferred me with straight hair because they felt I was more attractive with straight hair. I am still trying to fix the damage from all the flat ironing. Then there were people who felt my having children made me less fun, I find that I have more fun with my kids and I like them better than most people. This list goes on and I am sure that there are many people out there who have gone through the same. At the end of the day the only thing that matters is that I love the person I am. I love that my hair can get wild and crazy and I am still hoping to find some wonder products that cut the frizz and define my curls. I love books because sometimes you want to read about Elizabeth landing Mr. Darcy in the end.
I am a wear my heart on my sleeve woman. I believe in love and friendship. Food is the most amazing thing on this planet and I would eat my way around the world if I could. I have great kids who teach me everyday to love the person I am because they love me. These are things that a self help book can't teach you. To be honest my mom is the one who helped me through some much (maybe she should write a book). It's okay to be you if you are quirky, silly, crazy, or what ever other adjective you can think of. There are people out there who will understand you, accept you and love you just the way you are.
It took for my mother of all people to point something out to me. These people that write these books know nothing about the individual. There wasn't a book on this Earth that was going to change the way I felt about myself until I was ready to change the things I disliked about me. The same applies for liking the qualities about myself that others seem to think were boring.
I love to read, it is one of my passions, I can get lost in a good book and forget to eat. A guy I had dated back in 2009 asked me one morning was thins going to be our life together, that I seemed like a boring person because all I wanted to do was read. After that day it was hard not to play those words in my head. I have curly hair, every guy I dated preferred me with straight hair because they felt I was more attractive with straight hair. I am still trying to fix the damage from all the flat ironing. Then there were people who felt my having children made me less fun, I find that I have more fun with my kids and I like them better than most people. This list goes on and I am sure that there are many people out there who have gone through the same. At the end of the day the only thing that matters is that I love the person I am. I love that my hair can get wild and crazy and I am still hoping to find some wonder products that cut the frizz and define my curls. I love books because sometimes you want to read about Elizabeth landing Mr. Darcy in the end.
I am a wear my heart on my sleeve woman. I believe in love and friendship. Food is the most amazing thing on this planet and I would eat my way around the world if I could. I have great kids who teach me everyday to love the person I am because they love me. These are things that a self help book can't teach you. To be honest my mom is the one who helped me through some much (maybe she should write a book). It's okay to be you if you are quirky, silly, crazy, or what ever other adjective you can think of. There are people out there who will understand you, accept you and love you just the way you are.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
You
I think about you often.
Sometimes I sit down and write letters but never send them.
I ask myself why can I not forget you.
I tell myself that you have moved and no longer think of me but it doesn't work.
At night I want to call you but never get the courage to do so.
There are things I want to say but lack the courage to.
Fear of rejection seem to put a stop to any bravado I may have mustered up.
Sometimes I feel so sure that I love you other times I am not sure if it's because you are a familiar face.
I miss talking to you, I miss that feeling of having you close and knowing you would always be there.
But as I have learned nothing is for certain.
Sometimes I sit down and write letters but never send them.
I ask myself why can I not forget you.
I tell myself that you have moved and no longer think of me but it doesn't work.
At night I want to call you but never get the courage to do so.
There are things I want to say but lack the courage to.
Fear of rejection seem to put a stop to any bravado I may have mustered up.
Sometimes I feel so sure that I love you other times I am not sure if it's because you are a familiar face.
I miss talking to you, I miss that feeling of having you close and knowing you would always be there.
But as I have learned nothing is for certain.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Patience
I have been a serial dater all my life. I have either had a boyfriend or I have dated people for months at a time. Then not only do I date I go out with guys who couldn't tell you what they wanted out of life. It's like I give myself a way out so I have a reason to say that the relationship didn't work. The problem with that is there are instances that I do find myself caring for the person only to have them not feel the same way for me.
Today I was having a conversation with someone and the more I kept talking to them I was noticing that in all honesty I myself don't know what I want anymore. For the longest time I wanted a husband and to have kids but the people I have been in relationships weren't at the place or to be blunt didn't see me as potential wife material. After a while you just give up and start questioning yourself. You start asking yourself what is wrong with you that you seem to be striking out.
I have heard the whole wait and be patient and the problem is that I am not patient at all. I keep thinking that if I just sit by it won't happen. I read this book "When God Writes Your Love Story" By The Ludy's they are a christian couple who wrote this book. There is a passage that states "Being faithful starts before you meet your mate." It made me feel a little convicted. I have been making changing in my life over the past two years and to be honest I have been feeling that they were for nothing. I started doubting that God has a husband for me and that I am destined to be single. That is not the case, I am learning that there is much that I have to learn and until I am in that place I need to be God won't allow it to happen. His word says that as long as your desires are in accordance with his word he would grant them to you. I have to learn to be patient; everything is in His timing not my own. I have to learn to be selective with who I give my heart to. If I keep giving pieces away I am not going to have anything left to give for the one who is meant for me. I need to stop dating, flirting or just having inappropriate conversations because for all I know something is going to get back to the wrong person. I rather avoid having to do damage control. I have to stop being so trusting. People these days are just obsessed with sex and themselves. I need to be comfortable in my own skin and stop being what I think people want me to be. If someone doesn't want to date me because of my beliefs, status, or any other reason they don't deserve me. I have to not only know my worth but believe that I am worth loving. I have to stop speaking negative things into my life. If I keep saying no one is going to want me because I have two kids then guess what? No one is going to want me. I have to stop selling myself short and seeing people for who they are and not what they have the potential to be. I have to let go of the past and wanting to go back to what is familiar. If it was meant to be it would not have been so east to let go.
Most importantly I have to stop putting limitations on my God and trust Him. He has a plan for me. He didn't pull me out of that dismal life that I was living to leave me high and drive. I know that I am at my breakthrough and I know that things are going to seem dim and bleak but I need to hold on. Now more than ever I need to trust in God and stop looking at what is around me. Right now things seem bleak and they seem like nothing is going in my favor but I serve a great and mighty God. To Him all things are possible. People want nothing more than to see me fall but I am not going to give them that satisfaction. This weekend I really thought I was going to cave in and resort back to the old me. Up until a few hours ago I was ready to turn my back on God but like I said he is always in control. He has shown me that he is not going to let me walk away this easily.
When you feel like giving up Praise Him. When you feel life everything is going down the drain; get on your knees and cry out to him. When you feel alone and that his not listening to you that is when he is closest to you. You may think I am crazy but it's true. I have seen Him work and make things happen. I just need to be patient and stop doubting him.
Today I was having a conversation with someone and the more I kept talking to them I was noticing that in all honesty I myself don't know what I want anymore. For the longest time I wanted a husband and to have kids but the people I have been in relationships weren't at the place or to be blunt didn't see me as potential wife material. After a while you just give up and start questioning yourself. You start asking yourself what is wrong with you that you seem to be striking out.
I have heard the whole wait and be patient and the problem is that I am not patient at all. I keep thinking that if I just sit by it won't happen. I read this book "When God Writes Your Love Story" By The Ludy's they are a christian couple who wrote this book. There is a passage that states "Being faithful starts before you meet your mate." It made me feel a little convicted. I have been making changing in my life over the past two years and to be honest I have been feeling that they were for nothing. I started doubting that God has a husband for me and that I am destined to be single. That is not the case, I am learning that there is much that I have to learn and until I am in that place I need to be God won't allow it to happen. His word says that as long as your desires are in accordance with his word he would grant them to you. I have to learn to be patient; everything is in His timing not my own. I have to learn to be selective with who I give my heart to. If I keep giving pieces away I am not going to have anything left to give for the one who is meant for me. I need to stop dating, flirting or just having inappropriate conversations because for all I know something is going to get back to the wrong person. I rather avoid having to do damage control. I have to stop being so trusting. People these days are just obsessed with sex and themselves. I need to be comfortable in my own skin and stop being what I think people want me to be. If someone doesn't want to date me because of my beliefs, status, or any other reason they don't deserve me. I have to not only know my worth but believe that I am worth loving. I have to stop speaking negative things into my life. If I keep saying no one is going to want me because I have two kids then guess what? No one is going to want me. I have to stop selling myself short and seeing people for who they are and not what they have the potential to be. I have to let go of the past and wanting to go back to what is familiar. If it was meant to be it would not have been so east to let go.
Most importantly I have to stop putting limitations on my God and trust Him. He has a plan for me. He didn't pull me out of that dismal life that I was living to leave me high and drive. I know that I am at my breakthrough and I know that things are going to seem dim and bleak but I need to hold on. Now more than ever I need to trust in God and stop looking at what is around me. Right now things seem bleak and they seem like nothing is going in my favor but I serve a great and mighty God. To Him all things are possible. People want nothing more than to see me fall but I am not going to give them that satisfaction. This weekend I really thought I was going to cave in and resort back to the old me. Up until a few hours ago I was ready to turn my back on God but like I said he is always in control. He has shown me that he is not going to let me walk away this easily.
When you feel like giving up Praise Him. When you feel life everything is going down the drain; get on your knees and cry out to him. When you feel alone and that his not listening to you that is when he is closest to you. You may think I am crazy but it's true. I have seen Him work and make things happen. I just need to be patient and stop doubting him.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
All I had to do was read
There are times in your walk with God that you have that moment and you ask him "Did you really bring me all this way to leave me here?" In life things may not go according to the plan we think that God has for us. We tend to forget that only God knows that plan. Like my mom always tells me "If God gave you the whole puzzle you would find a way to mess it up." God gives us enough pieces and all the tools to make it through. As we are going along this path and he gives us more pieces. By the time we get to the end we see this amazing picture. It is what happens in between that people going through ups and downs tend to forget He is not yet done with us. Many times not being able to see the whole picture leaves us confused when things come our way. You may not think that you are prepared but understand that you have the tools. All he wants you to do is believe that he can and that he will.
So this brings us to my story but first I want to give you these passages that I found in the Bible this morning.
Philippians 1:6
Being confident in this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.
Matthew 24:13
But he who endures to the end shall be saved.
James 1:4,5
But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and with out reproach, and it will be given to him.
These three verses gave me such a joy and such a hope that my eyes welled up with tears while I was riding on the bus. God had given me proof that he was in total control and that he didn't bring me all this way to abandon me.
From the time that I was a small child God had always provided for my family and I. We may not have had a lot of money but we had everything we needed. I was always told I would never know lack and that I would be blessed everywhere I went. I didn't understand it then and it wasn't until just a few months ago that I understood just how true God's promise was. I was taught that I didn't have a religion I had a faith, yes there is a difference. My faith is what got me through the darkest hours of my life. Faith is what kept me going even though everything around me was falling apart. Faith gave me hope and helped me to move mountains. Religion did the opposite and left me more angry than anything else. Faith is what led me to keep trusting and led me to these three passages.
God knows the desires of your heart. As long as they are in accordance with his word he will grant you those desires. I have one true desire that I have wanted from the time I was a little girl. Since I was a teen all I kept hearing was be patient and it will come. Through out the years I was losing hope I had pretty much abandoned God and all the teachings I had been given, remember when I told He gives you tools. Well those teachings were the tools that I needed when I was going through the dark times and since I had abandoned God I didn't know how to use them so I for eight years I was in a self destructive phase. I lost hope, I was angry, I hated myself and just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was up for orders and I almost ended up in Chicago but God had other plans. Always remember this; you may have decided to go off the beaten path but God will allow circumstances to bring you back to the place you need to be. So I ended up in New York, talk about being upset. When I look back now I see that I lived a sad and depressing life. Yes there are pictures of me smiling with friends and appearing that I was having the time of my life, but that was not what was going on behind the scenes. Every night I would go home to an empty house and I would cry. I hated that my life hadn't gone the way that I thought it would. I felt like God had lied to me and that he didn't have a plan for me. That was two and a half years ago when I live in Virginia.
So here I am in New York, back in my mothers apartment and back in the room that I grew up in. Talk about feeling like your life just turned into the biggest joke. In my mind I failed because I ended up back with my parents. I was still in my self destructive mode I drank, went out and sometimes I didn't come home. My mother had married and I felt like I was out of place. I had my boys back with me and I didn't know the first things about being a parent. My mom had raised them while I was stationed in Virginia. Here I was in a situation that I have never been placed in before. The desire that I have had was to have a family but I wanted the whole family, you know husband and kids. I had the kids and I almost had the husband but things didn't go quite the way I thought they would.
I remember it had been a couple of months that had passed since I had come back and my mom got tired of seeing my go deeper into depression. She sat me down one day and asked me "How is God supposed to bless you with a husband when you can't take care of the relationships he has given you now?" She was referring to the boys, I was home physically but my mind was still in pity party mode. That conversation didn't have an effect for another year. By that time I had been back in New York for a year and a half. My ex and I had been going back and forth about where our relationship stood or if anything was worth saving. It got to the point that because of various reasons it wasn't going to work out. I had never loved anyone the way that I love him. Not having it work out just made me so angry with God but it turned out to be that this moment was what he was going to use to bring me back to Him.
The teachings that my grandmother and mother had taught me started resurfacing. The biggest lesson was that as long as I kept his word in my heart and that I obeyed him he would open the doors of heaven and rain down a blessing on me that I would not be able to contain. Mal. 3:10. He said that if I had faith the size of a mustard seed nothing would be impossible to me. Matt 17:20. All this time I was trying to control everything that I was forgetting that I am not in control at all. I literally was telling God "Hey I know you created the whole world and everything in it but you have no clue what I need so I am taking over." I am sure he got a big laugh out of that. I got to the point one night I just fell on the floor crying and I just let everything out. I broke down and told Him how I had made of mess of things and how I just had gotten so far away from Him that I was lost. I gave him all my hurts, all my faults, all the anger, resentment, disappointment and He gave me a fresh start. The next day I came home from work and asked my mom to take a walk with me to Barnes and Noble and I bought a Bible. She and I sit down and we debate and I know that both she and God have been waiting for this day for a long time. I started tithing and every time I made a decision I would ask myself is this what Jesus would do? Is this in accordance with Gods word. All He is wanted from me was to follow him. He wanted me to focus on Him so he could take care of the rest. Simple stuff but it can be hard at times.
So of course here I am happy as can be because I can see all the things God is doing for me and I feel great because everything is going well. I am so thankful to God because he has kept true to his word. Then things started taking a turn that I wasn't too happy with. A few months ago there was talk about the Navy downsizing and guess what I was in a rating that they wanted to downsize in. I submitted a package to change jobs that got disapproved, my ex came to visit but it didn't go to well, and then they told me I could not stay in my rate and I need to pick a job. Well the jobs that I qualify for are not available. I came home one day and just started crying again. I just went off and started warbling saying why was it that this was all happening to me. Why now was everything falling apart. Needless to say I had a gripe and it had taken its toll on me. But guess what, God uses those moments to test your faith. Of course when everything is going well you praise him and tell the world how awesome he is. Then the hard times hit and you forget how far he brought you. You start questioning why didn't he let things happen to you when you were doing all the wrong things. Why now that you were obeying him were things going down the toilet. The reason is that back then I would have never made it through. This time I am stronger, I am growing and I am not going to give up. My God made a promise to me and regardless of what is going on around me I am not going to forsake Him.
If you have doubts, you get scared look in the Bible there is a passage for anything that you might be feeling. Who knows maybe it is that day you too are sitting on a bus and you come across a passage and you hear that small still voice saying "This is for you." I know that God sees the innermost part of my heart, I know He knows me better than I know myself. I put it all in His hands which is where it needs to be in the first place.
So this brings us to my story but first I want to give you these passages that I found in the Bible this morning.
Philippians 1:6
Being confident in this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.
Matthew 24:13
But he who endures to the end shall be saved.
James 1:4,5
But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and with out reproach, and it will be given to him.
These three verses gave me such a joy and such a hope that my eyes welled up with tears while I was riding on the bus. God had given me proof that he was in total control and that he didn't bring me all this way to abandon me.
From the time that I was a small child God had always provided for my family and I. We may not have had a lot of money but we had everything we needed. I was always told I would never know lack and that I would be blessed everywhere I went. I didn't understand it then and it wasn't until just a few months ago that I understood just how true God's promise was. I was taught that I didn't have a religion I had a faith, yes there is a difference. My faith is what got me through the darkest hours of my life. Faith is what kept me going even though everything around me was falling apart. Faith gave me hope and helped me to move mountains. Religion did the opposite and left me more angry than anything else. Faith is what led me to keep trusting and led me to these three passages.
God knows the desires of your heart. As long as they are in accordance with his word he will grant you those desires. I have one true desire that I have wanted from the time I was a little girl. Since I was a teen all I kept hearing was be patient and it will come. Through out the years I was losing hope I had pretty much abandoned God and all the teachings I had been given, remember when I told He gives you tools. Well those teachings were the tools that I needed when I was going through the dark times and since I had abandoned God I didn't know how to use them so I for eight years I was in a self destructive phase. I lost hope, I was angry, I hated myself and just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was up for orders and I almost ended up in Chicago but God had other plans. Always remember this; you may have decided to go off the beaten path but God will allow circumstances to bring you back to the place you need to be. So I ended up in New York, talk about being upset. When I look back now I see that I lived a sad and depressing life. Yes there are pictures of me smiling with friends and appearing that I was having the time of my life, but that was not what was going on behind the scenes. Every night I would go home to an empty house and I would cry. I hated that my life hadn't gone the way that I thought it would. I felt like God had lied to me and that he didn't have a plan for me. That was two and a half years ago when I live in Virginia.
So here I am in New York, back in my mothers apartment and back in the room that I grew up in. Talk about feeling like your life just turned into the biggest joke. In my mind I failed because I ended up back with my parents. I was still in my self destructive mode I drank, went out and sometimes I didn't come home. My mother had married and I felt like I was out of place. I had my boys back with me and I didn't know the first things about being a parent. My mom had raised them while I was stationed in Virginia. Here I was in a situation that I have never been placed in before. The desire that I have had was to have a family but I wanted the whole family, you know husband and kids. I had the kids and I almost had the husband but things didn't go quite the way I thought they would.
I remember it had been a couple of months that had passed since I had come back and my mom got tired of seeing my go deeper into depression. She sat me down one day and asked me "How is God supposed to bless you with a husband when you can't take care of the relationships he has given you now?" She was referring to the boys, I was home physically but my mind was still in pity party mode. That conversation didn't have an effect for another year. By that time I had been back in New York for a year and a half. My ex and I had been going back and forth about where our relationship stood or if anything was worth saving. It got to the point that because of various reasons it wasn't going to work out. I had never loved anyone the way that I love him. Not having it work out just made me so angry with God but it turned out to be that this moment was what he was going to use to bring me back to Him.
The teachings that my grandmother and mother had taught me started resurfacing. The biggest lesson was that as long as I kept his word in my heart and that I obeyed him he would open the doors of heaven and rain down a blessing on me that I would not be able to contain. Mal. 3:10. He said that if I had faith the size of a mustard seed nothing would be impossible to me. Matt 17:20. All this time I was trying to control everything that I was forgetting that I am not in control at all. I literally was telling God "Hey I know you created the whole world and everything in it but you have no clue what I need so I am taking over." I am sure he got a big laugh out of that. I got to the point one night I just fell on the floor crying and I just let everything out. I broke down and told Him how I had made of mess of things and how I just had gotten so far away from Him that I was lost. I gave him all my hurts, all my faults, all the anger, resentment, disappointment and He gave me a fresh start. The next day I came home from work and asked my mom to take a walk with me to Barnes and Noble and I bought a Bible. She and I sit down and we debate and I know that both she and God have been waiting for this day for a long time. I started tithing and every time I made a decision I would ask myself is this what Jesus would do? Is this in accordance with Gods word. All He is wanted from me was to follow him. He wanted me to focus on Him so he could take care of the rest. Simple stuff but it can be hard at times.
So of course here I am happy as can be because I can see all the things God is doing for me and I feel great because everything is going well. I am so thankful to God because he has kept true to his word. Then things started taking a turn that I wasn't too happy with. A few months ago there was talk about the Navy downsizing and guess what I was in a rating that they wanted to downsize in. I submitted a package to change jobs that got disapproved, my ex came to visit but it didn't go to well, and then they told me I could not stay in my rate and I need to pick a job. Well the jobs that I qualify for are not available. I came home one day and just started crying again. I just went off and started warbling saying why was it that this was all happening to me. Why now was everything falling apart. Needless to say I had a gripe and it had taken its toll on me. But guess what, God uses those moments to test your faith. Of course when everything is going well you praise him and tell the world how awesome he is. Then the hard times hit and you forget how far he brought you. You start questioning why didn't he let things happen to you when you were doing all the wrong things. Why now that you were obeying him were things going down the toilet. The reason is that back then I would have never made it through. This time I am stronger, I am growing and I am not going to give up. My God made a promise to me and regardless of what is going on around me I am not going to forsake Him.
If you have doubts, you get scared look in the Bible there is a passage for anything that you might be feeling. Who knows maybe it is that day you too are sitting on a bus and you come across a passage and you hear that small still voice saying "This is for you." I know that God sees the innermost part of my heart, I know He knows me better than I know myself. I put it all in His hands which is where it needs to be in the first place.
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