Life after Navy

2018, it has been three years since I walked across the brow of the ship. After 14 years in the Navy I decided it was time for us to part ways. It wasn't an easy decision but I came to a point where I needed to be around my family more than I needed to have a career. I know it's crazy I was six years away from retirement and I walked away but I gained so much more.

Being a single mom is hard, being a single mom in the Navy takes on a whole new meaning. Deployments, duty, training all take up a large portion of your life.  Many times your family gets put on the backburner. You don't want to put them there but the Navy isn't going to hold off deployment because you have a parent-teacher conference, or you can't call in sick because your kid is throwing up his life on the side of your bed. So I made choices and I stuck with them because I hadn't reached the point of being fed up. In 2014 I reached my fed up moment when I walked into my new command. I was greeted with "Welcome to Hell" followed by a schedule I had never encountered in 14 years. My superiors didn't care that my stuff sat in boxes for almost three months, it wasn't their concern that I had to make arrangements to get services started in my new apartment. Their focus was on inspections that they had been failing consistently. So I put all the personal stuff I had going on and jumped right into the craziness. There was never a lull or a moment where I could take for myself. It seemed as if every five seconds someone was calling me "MM1 I can't find the chief, MM1 I need to go to medical, MM1 when are we going home, MM1 my wife left me and took everything with her".

Please understand that I loved my Sailors and I still do very much but with my children were growing up and I didn't want to miss any more irreplaceable moments. I submitted my paperwork and separated from the Navy. I made the decision to go into social work and began my academic career. College in itself was daunting but thankfully my support system was there every step of the way. I graduated with a 3.9 GPA and got into three top social work programs in NYC. It is never too late to start a new chapter in your story. Don't defer your dreams and never settle in life. Follow your passion and pave the way for the next generation.

Almost back to the states

My time in Japan is coming to a close so my goal for the next few months s is to take snap shots of my favorite places and foods that have made being away from those I love bearable. I have been on this journey called the Navy for almost 13 years and I am ending one more chapter on this ride that is bringing me closer to be home.

So tomorrow January 20th 2014 is  when the countdown begins to getting home. Let us see where we end up. First order of business is getting through the rest of this duty day...

Navy: Welcome to the ship

 Back story: I always make it a point to talk to my sailors about what they should be mindful of during their first few years in the Navy. Your first enlistment can set the tone for what it is going to be like for you on your first ship. Some who read this may think I am saying too much but I wish someone had spoken to me when I first arrived to the ship and took me under their wing. Besides many of my counterparts have told me I should right this stuff down. I am sure other have but here is my take.

When you first see your new command you are overcome with a few emotions. Fear, apprehension, excitement, awe, shock etc.. You come across the brow and request permission to come aboard and wait patiently for your sponsor to arrive. You are all smiles and saying hello to everyone who passes you by. You notice that the guys take notice of you and smile. Finally you get picked up and go to meet your chief. He/She ask you a couple of questions and then assign someone to show you around. Here is where things can go well or not so well. You can A) have the squared away sailor who will take care of you or B) the guy on his way out which  no one wants to task anything with so they entrust you to him. Lets hope you get A) because you will be fine. Once you get settled you get into the groove of things, here is what you need to be mindful of.

I want you to understand this everyone is pretty in the Navy. If you are "New" you are the most beautiful thing anyone has ever seen. To break it down to you, you are what they call "fresh meat". There are people who are genuinely helpful there are others who want to take advantage of you. If a guy comes up to you after a few weeks and tells you the following statements I want you RUN AWAY FROM HIM!!!! here are few:
1) I have seen you around the boat and I see you keep to yourself. I like that because I don't like anyone in my business. (Truth: He is trying to be the first person to sleep with you. He also doesn't want anyone to blow his cover about being the player.)
2) I know how hard it can be being the new kid so if you ever want to get away I have place you can stay at. (Don't go to his house and be a statistic.)
3) I don't really talk to these girls because they are out there. ( He doesn't talk to them because he had them already.)
 Let's say no one has bothered you and you have made it to month six on the ship with out becoming a notch on the belt. (Good job but you are not done yet, deployment is in two weeks.) Deployment hits, you are two weeks in, you start getting a slew of emails. If any of the following happen to you please tell them to leave you alone and report them.
1) I have seen you around the ship, I think you are cute, want to grab chow sometime? (He wants to show everyone on the ship that he is thinking of making you a boat boo, depending on which meals and how often you are probably one of many)
I want you to think of the first two weeks as draft picks for how will be the boo of choice.
2) I am married but we are separated. We have an understanding. ( The only things separating them is the deployment you are on.)
I can't tell you how many times I have seen this only for it to end badly for the girl.
3) I can't help it if other girls like me. (Those girls mean mugging you and being nosy as to who you are to him were the flavor of the month last cruise and her henchmen.)
4) I hope that I can trust you not to say anything because we can get into a lot of trouble but I think you are worth it. (Sweetie, while being with someone in Khakis maybe hot you will get into a world of hurt. Understand this no man is worth loosing your career.)

Again, I tell all my sailors this tidbit of info, your first four years in the Navy are setting the foundations of who you will become whether in the military or in the civilian sector. There will always be time for dating, take care of you first. Why? Simply because if you get caught up you can get pregnant, an STI, sent to captains mast for adultery and fraternization. You don't want to be the girl dubbed the easy one.

Do you ever wonder what happens at the end of deployment?  The girl gets pregnant and ends up alone because the guys is going back to his wife whom is waiting on the pier with their children. You find out you were not the only one and end up on the medical hit list for a STI. He tells everyone he got you to fall for him and thus opens the flood gates for every idiot to try and sleep with you.

If your parents never told you this in your life, I will tell you right now. You are beautiful, you are smart, intelligent, worthy of someone treating you with love and respect. Set the tone and the standard of how you want to be treated. The military is too small for you to make careless decisions. There is so much you can benefit from this experience if you would just be patient and take care of you first. Keep your goals in mind and stay focused on what you were trying to accomplish.

If you are that girl trying to show the world you are not a statistic forge a way for yourself. Find a mentor and strong leader who will support and mold you. Build a support system of people who you can trust, are like minded and will be there for you.

Not everyone is like this, there are some great people with whom you will build lasting friendships for years to come, BUT, do not just lay down with anyone. Take the time to get to know someone and not just the person they want to show you. The signs are there you just have to watch them. You are worth more than any diamond or pearl. Who you are is priceless and irreplaceable.  

Mirror

Little known fact, I hate the mirror. The mirror is the one place I try no to look at for too long simply because I start to pick apart the person who is in it. At my age you would think I would be passed the insecurity phase but when you are single, have two kids, no prospects of a boyfriend let alone husband in sight and you work in a field where all the younger girls are ripe for the picking you tend to feel less than attractive. I have gained weight and I not complaining, I could go to the gym but I am sick of seeing thin girls walk around in skimpy outfits making it look effortless when all I want to do is have a sundae with extra hot fudge and whipped cream. I thought about plastic surgery but found better use fpr them money than having a procedure that would have to be repeated in ten years.

So for those of you in my shoes how do you become comfortable in your own skin? How do you maneuver your way through the gym and "dig deep" to say screw the skinny girl bouncing on the treadmill next to you? It's strange because I have never cared about what people thought of me or my body. I relished becoming 30 because I came to a point where I accomplished a lot than I thought I would. I love food and I find dieting to be anti everything I stand for. I used to like running but then I asked myself "why am I doing this?" and then stopped. I am not going to blame media or what public image deems beautiful because apparently I never fit that mold from early on so I found my own inner beauty.

Lately it seems that every time I look into it I see that my nose is a little big, my chin is askew, my middle is trying to take over and my butt, well we will leave that one alone, have all decided to join the anti Sam party. I see my friends have found this inner strength but they are all the married ones or the one in committed relationships. The others just find the gym a natural place to be. Am I missing something, have I blocked something traumatic that caused this feeling or is it natural at this age to start questioning are you attractive?

I know I am babbling just confused.

Self Help Books + My Life = ???

  In the age of self help books I too fell victim to the craze. At 31 I realize that all those books I bought to get over heartbreak, be skinny, and to learn who I was just left me asking myself, "Did I really just spend money on this book.".  Life, is something that no book can prepare you for and believe me I bought a book for just about anything you can think of. When I felt lost in the dating world I bought the typical how to meet a guy/ get over a guy book. When I started gaining weight I went out a bought one of those health books with workouts/ recipes and tips on how to be a better you. After reading them I felt worse about myself, and over all just had that hopeless feeling that I wasn't good enough.

 It took for my mother of all people to point something out to me. These people that write these books know nothing about the individual. There wasn't a book on this Earth that was going to change the way I felt about myself until I was ready to change the things I disliked about me. The same applies for liking the qualities about myself that others seem to think were boring.

 I love to read, it is one of my passions, I can get lost in a good book and forget to eat.  A guy I had dated back in 2009 asked me one morning was thins going to be our life together, that I seemed like a boring person because all I wanted to do was read. After that day it was hard not to play those words in my head. I have curly hair, every guy I dated preferred me with straight hair because they felt I was more attractive with straight hair. I am still trying to fix the damage from all the flat ironing. Then there were people who felt my having children made me less fun, I find that I have more fun with my kids and I like them better than most people. This list goes on and I am sure that there are many people out there who have gone through the same. At the end of the day the only thing that matters is that I love the person I am. I love that my hair can get wild and crazy and I am still hoping to find some wonder products that cut the frizz and define my curls. I love books because sometimes you want to read about Elizabeth landing Mr. Darcy in the end.

 I am a wear my heart on my sleeve woman. I believe in love and friendship. Food is the most amazing thing on this planet and I would eat my way around the world if I could. I have great kids who teach me everyday to love the person I am because they love me. These are things that a self help book can't teach you. To be honest my mom is the one who helped me through some much (maybe she should write a book). It's okay to be you if you are quirky, silly, crazy, or what ever other adjective you can think of. There are people out there who will understand you, accept you and love you just the way you are.

You

I think about you often.
Sometimes I sit down and write letters but never send them.
I ask myself why can I not forget you.
I tell myself that you have moved and no longer think of me but it doesn't work.
At night I want to call you but never get the courage to do so.
There are things I want to say but lack the courage to.
Fear of rejection seem to put a stop to any bravado I may have mustered up.
Sometimes I feel so sure that I love you other times I am not sure if it's because you are a familiar face.
I miss talking to you, I miss that feeling of having you close and knowing you would always be there.
But as I have learned nothing is for certain.

Patience

I have been a serial dater all my life. I have either had a boyfriend or I have dated people for months at a time. Then not only do I date I go out with guys who couldn't tell you what they wanted out of life. It's like I give myself a way out so I have a reason to say that the relationship didn't work. The problem with that is there are instances that I do find myself caring for the person only to have them not feel the same way for me.

Today I was having a conversation with someone and the more I kept talking to them I was noticing that in all honesty I myself don't know what I want anymore. For the longest time I wanted a husband and to have kids but the people I have been in relationships weren't at the place or to be blunt didn't see me as potential wife material. After a while you just give up and start questioning yourself. You start asking yourself what is wrong with you that you seem to be striking out.

I have heard the whole wait and be patient and the problem is that I am not patient at all. I keep thinking that if I just sit by it won't happen. I read this book "When God Writes Your Love Story" By The Ludy's they are a christian couple who wrote this book. There is a passage that states "Being faithful starts before you meet your mate." It made me feel a little convicted. I have been making changing in my life over the past two years and to be honest I have been feeling that they were for nothing. I started doubting that God has a husband for me and that I am destined to be single. That is not the case, I am learning that there is much that I have to learn and until I am in that place I need to be God won't allow it to happen. His word says that as long as your desires are in accordance with his word he would grant them to you. I have to learn to be patient; everything is in His timing not my own. I have to learn to be selective with who I give my heart to. If I keep giving pieces away I am not going to have anything left to give for the one who is meant for me. I need to stop dating, flirting or just having inappropriate conversations because for all I know something is going to get back to the wrong person. I rather avoid having to do damage control. I have to stop being so trusting. People these days are just obsessed with sex and themselves. I need to be comfortable in my own skin and stop being what I think people want me to be. If someone doesn't want to date me because of my beliefs, status, or any other reason they don't deserve me. I have to not only know my worth but believe that I am worth loving. I have to stop speaking negative things into my life. If I keep saying no one is going to want me because I have two kids then guess what? No one is going to want me. I have to stop selling myself short and seeing people for who they are and not what they have the potential to be. I have to let go of the past and wanting to go back to what is familiar. If it was meant to be it would not have been so east to let go.

Most importantly I have to stop putting limitations on my God and trust Him. He has a plan for me. He didn't pull me out of that dismal life that I was living to leave me high and drive. I know that I am at my breakthrough and I know that things are going to seem dim and bleak but I need to hold on. Now more than ever I need to trust in God and stop looking at what is around me. Right now things seem bleak and they seem like nothing is going in my favor but I serve a great and mighty God. To Him all things are possible. People want nothing more than to see me fall but I am not going to give them that satisfaction. This weekend I really thought I was going to cave in and resort back to the old me. Up until a few hours ago I was ready to turn my back on God but like I said he is always in control. He has shown me that he is not going to let me walk away this easily.

When you feel like giving up Praise Him. When you feel life everything is going down the drain; get on your knees and cry out to him. When you feel alone and that his not listening to you that is when he is closest to you. You may think I am crazy but it's true. I have seen Him work and make things happen. I just need to be patient and stop doubting him.