All I had to do was read

There are times in your walk with God that you have that moment and you ask him "Did you really bring me all this way to leave me here?" In life things may not go according to the plan we think that God has for us. We tend to forget that only God knows that plan. Like my mom always tells me "If God gave you the whole puzzle you would find a way to mess it up." God gives us enough pieces and all the tools to make it through. As we are going along this path and he gives us more pieces. By the time we get to the end we see this amazing picture. It is what happens in between that people going through ups and downs tend to forget He is not yet done with us. Many times not being able to see the whole picture leaves us confused when things come our way. You may not think that you are prepared but understand that you have the tools. All he wants you to do is believe that he can and that he will.

So this brings us to my story but first I want to give you these passages that I found in the Bible this morning.
Philippians 1:6
Being confident in this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.

Matthew 24:13
But he who endures to the end shall be saved.

James 1:4,5
But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and with out reproach, and it will be given to him.

These three verses gave me such a joy and such a hope that my eyes welled up with tears while I was riding on the bus. God had given me proof that he was in total control and that he didn't bring me all this way to abandon me.

From the time that I was a small child God had always provided for my family and I. We may not have had a lot of money but we had everything we needed. I was always told I would never know lack and that I would be blessed everywhere I went. I didn't understand it then and it wasn't until just a few months ago that I understood just how true God's promise was. I was taught that I didn't have a religion I had a faith, yes there is a difference. My faith is what got me through the darkest hours of my life. Faith is what kept me going even though everything around me was falling apart. Faith gave me hope and helped me to move mountains. Religion did the opposite and left me more angry than anything else. Faith is what led me to keep trusting and led me to these three passages.

God knows the desires of your heart. As long as they are in accordance with his word he will grant you those desires. I have one true desire that I have wanted from the time I was a little girl. Since I was a teen all I kept hearing was be patient and it will come. Through out the years I was losing hope I had pretty much abandoned God and all the teachings I had been given, remember when I told He gives you tools. Well those teachings were the tools that I needed when I was going through the dark times and since I had abandoned God I didn't know how to use them so I for eight years I was in a self destructive phase. I lost hope, I was angry, I hated myself and just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was up for orders and I almost ended up in Chicago but God had other plans. Always remember this; you may have decided to go off the beaten path but God will allow circumstances to bring you back to the place you need to be. So I ended up in New York, talk about being upset. When I look back now I see that I lived a sad and depressing life. Yes there are pictures of me smiling with friends and appearing that I was having the time of my life, but that was not what was going on behind the scenes. Every night I would go home to an empty house and I would cry. I hated that my life hadn't gone the way that I thought it would. I felt like God had lied to me and that he didn't have a plan for me. That was two and a half years ago when I live in Virginia.

So here I am in New York, back in my mothers apartment and back in the room that I grew up in. Talk about feeling like your life just turned into the biggest joke. In my mind I failed because I ended up back with my parents. I was still in my self destructive mode I drank, went out and sometimes I didn't come home. My mother had married and I felt like I was out of place. I had my boys back with me and I didn't know the first things about being a parent. My mom had raised them while I was stationed in Virginia. Here I was in a situation that I have never been placed in before. The desire that I have had was to have a family but I wanted the whole family, you know husband and kids. I had the kids and I almost had the husband but things didn't go quite the way I thought they would.

I remember it had been a couple of months that had passed since I had come back and my mom got tired of seeing my go deeper into depression. She sat me down one day and asked me "How is God supposed to bless you with a husband when you can't take care of the relationships he has given you now?" She was referring to the boys, I was home physically but my mind was still in pity party mode. That conversation didn't have an effect for another year. By that time I had been back in New York for a year and a half. My ex and I had been going back and forth about where our relationship stood or if anything was worth saving. It got to the point that because of various reasons it wasn't going to work out. I had never loved anyone the way that I love him. Not having it work out just made me so angry with God but it turned out to be that this moment was what he was going to use to bring me back to Him.

The teachings that my grandmother and mother had taught me started resurfacing. The biggest lesson was that as long as I kept his word in my heart and that I obeyed him he would open the doors of heaven and rain down a blessing on me that I would not be able to contain. Mal. 3:10. He said that if I had faith the size of a mustard seed nothing would be impossible to me. Matt 17:20. All this time I was trying to control everything that I was forgetting that I am not in control at all. I literally was telling God "Hey I know you created the whole world and everything in it but you have no clue what I need so I am taking over." I am sure he got a big laugh out of that. I got to the point one night I just fell on the floor crying and I just let everything out. I broke down and told Him how I had made of mess of things and how I just had gotten so far away from Him that I was lost. I gave him all my hurts, all my faults, all the anger, resentment, disappointment and He gave me a fresh start. The next day I came home from work and asked my mom to take a walk with me to Barnes and Noble and I bought a Bible. She and I sit down and we debate and I know that both she and God have been waiting for this day for a long time. I started tithing and every time I made a decision I would ask myself is this what Jesus would do? Is this in accordance with Gods word. All He is wanted from me was to follow him. He wanted me to focus on Him so he could take care of the rest. Simple stuff but it can be hard at times.

So of course here I am happy as can be because I can see all the things God is doing for me and I feel great because everything is going well. I am so thankful to God because he has kept true to his word. Then things started taking a turn that I wasn't too happy with. A few months ago there was talk about the Navy downsizing and guess what I was in a rating that they wanted to downsize in. I submitted a package to change jobs that got disapproved, my ex came to visit but it didn't go to well, and then they told me I could not stay in my rate and I need to pick a job. Well the jobs that I qualify for are not available. I came home one day and just started crying again. I just went off and started warbling saying why was it that this was all happening to me. Why now was everything falling apart. Needless to say I had a gripe and it had taken its toll on me. But guess what, God uses those moments to test your faith. Of course when everything is going well you praise him and tell the world how awesome he is. Then the hard times hit and you forget how far he brought you. You start questioning why didn't he let things happen to you when you were doing all the wrong things. Why now that you were obeying him were things going down the toilet. The reason is that back then I would have never made it through. This time I am stronger, I am growing and I am not going to give up. My God made a promise to me and regardless of what is going on around me I am not going to forsake Him.

If you have doubts, you get scared look in the Bible there is a passage for anything that you might be feeling. Who knows maybe it is that day you too are sitting on a bus and you come across a passage and you hear that small still voice saying "This is for you." I know that God sees the innermost part of my heart, I know He knows me better than I know myself. I put it all in His hands which is where it needs to be in the first place.

It may seem like I have nothing but in fact I have everything

I can safely say that there is nothing in this world that I lack. I have a career that has been many things but dull is not one of them. I have a family who loves me and is there for me through all my zany moments. I have friends who if it weren't for them I think my life would not have been as color as it was. I am thankful for all the experiences that I went through because they made me that much stronger. I am thankful that God has blessed me each and every day. If he closed a door it wasn't to make break my heart it was to protect me from making a horrible mistake.

Goodbye to my past

I met you when I was a young girl. I thought our story was a testament of time. With all the ups and downs you would think that if we made it we were the real thing. Then life hit us and you went your way and I went mine. We tried to hold on but in the end we have our seperate paths. I look back and I think was it more hurtful than good to hold on to the familiar. I think that is what got us this far, the familiar comfort of a time long ago that was uncomplicated and sweet. I wish you the best in life and I am forever proud of you. At this point I have to let you go so that I can start anew.

Vulnerable

The past four years I have made it a point to control every aspect of a relationship. I made myself responsible for the in's and out's of every feeling, happening and decision. Four years later I have learned that the only result is looking back and seeing that I was wrong for doing so. Two months ago I met Mark and am learing that a relationship is not about who is in control. Each relationship that I had in the past I have always cut it short if I saw things were getting to difficult or not going in the direction that I wanted it to go in. I never felt that a relationship was worth fighting for. I built this wall around me and made sure that there were safeguards to ensure that if things didn't work out I would not be sad for too long. I never allowed myself to feel insecure because I told myself if this doesn't work then it is on to the next one. I vowed that I would never allow myself to be vulnerable in front of someone. Little did I know that would change.


I met him the day I dropped off a tester. I had asked him a question and he completely ignored me and I thought what a jerk. So I leave for my car and finish with the rest of my day until I had to pick up my guy again. So I get back to the test site at one o'clock. Low and behold guess who is there? Yup the jerk, only this time he actually speaks to me. We get into conversation waiting for our applicants to finish testing. I kept thinking he was really cute and had this great smile. So after 45 minutes of talking we get ready to take our guys back and he calls my name and ask for my number. He says he is going to take me to the movies on Saturday. Having to wait two days to seem him seemed to drag on. Our date on Saturday did not go as I thought it would. One I had to meet him at his job, two he was late 45 minutes. When he finally picked me I was a little over dressed because we spent an hour and half walking through the mall. I figured we were going to eat dinner and then catch a movie. Hear I am in shorts, a scoop neck shirt and heels and we are walking through the mall like teenagers. Finally we leave to get the tickets so we can eat. He asked me what I want to eat and I say how about Legal Seafoods since it was close by. Well that would have been fine if he hadn't bought tickets for a movie that started in the next hour. So seafood was out. He says we can get something later. I tell him I don't want to eat at a diner. Mind you after 11pm everything closes in Long Island. So it was no surprise when he says lets eat at a diner I tell him I rather go home. We start heading out only to end up in Queens. I live in Manhattan, he explains that I have to stay the night at his place because he is extremely tired and won't be able to drive back. My first instinct was take the train home what came out of my mouth was "okay sure". No we did not have sex that night for those who were wondering. So he drops me off and I am like okay never again. Little did I know that two weeks later I would be moving in as a trail run to see if we would be a good couple.

How did I end up moving in? Well I was at home talking to my mother and she makes a joke that we should try it out for 30 days. I thought she was serious so when I see him that night I tell him what she says. I laugh thinking he would take it as a joke but he thought I was serious. So that following Friday I move into my new home for the next month. Everything is cute and fine and then one night this little voice tells me to look through his phone. Side note ladies: If you don't want to find something dont snoop. Low and behold I find text messages from other females. Mind you we have not been seeing each other that long at this point it is a little under a month so of course I start packing my stuff up, it is around 2am when I am packing. He wakes up around 9am and I am getting dressed. I sit down next to him and tell him I am ready to move back home. At first I wasn't going to say anything about looking through his phone but I figure I might as well I am not sticking around after this. If you had sat there and listened to the conversation that followed you would have just decided to get up and walk away, I didn't. I said I would stay and stick it out with him. I went to work the next morning told my supervisor I need to take care of some stuff. That afternoon while he was at work I moved out. Later that evening he came to my house and I gave him the key.

That was month one the begining of month two we still went out and while I battled with nagging feelings that I wasn't the only one in his life he was perfectly content with where we were. Anyone who knows me understands that unless I have a clear understanding of where something is going or what is being established I am not going to leave things alone. I found myself at every turn trying to get him to make a decision about what was it that he wanted from me and this relationship. You get tired of saying the same thing over and over. What I failed to realize was that in the process of me trying to get this one victory I was missing all the changes that he was making for me. My mom said that I was to busy looking for the elephant that I was missing the mice. Where once he would look at other women when we went to eat he now would face me with his back to everyone else. Instead of letting me take the train he would come pick me up from my door. He made an effort to ensure that I felt at home at his place by telling me to bring stuff to leave there. He would be offended when I tried to pay for meals and I did it to show him that I didn't need him. Again it was my way of assuming control. Sometimes people try to show you in their own way that they care about you. Not everyone has the same approach to expressing love or feelings. I wanted him to have my same approach but the fact is that we have two different backgrounds we have two different methods. While our previous experiences at love have left us trying to make the other prove their value we were missing the key point, that we were falling for the other.

About a week ago I called it quits and told him that I was unhappy that what was the point of staying in this if I wasn't getting what I needed. That night I realized that it wasnt the fact that I wasn't getting what I needed I was upset because I wasn't getting it how I wanted it. Mark is an amazing guy while he can be a bit abrasive I don't doubt how he feels for me. I think that he lets his fears that I am going to leave him get the best of him. Although I have to say that in and of myself I have confirmed his fears on two occasions. Instead of communicating to him how I felt I bailed out on us. That night I cried and it was the first time in a long time that I allowed myself to feel something for someone. A few years ago I let someone into my heart only to have it broken and since then I have kept it under wraps. Being vulnerable in front of Mark is scary but when I am with him it is like there is no one else around. When I talk to him I am always laughing and learn to not be so serious all the time. When we are sleeping he pulls me close to him and he each time that I am with him I feel like he is my other half. Yes it has been a short time but in that short time I have the privelage to experience all the things that can make or break a couple and I can say that we are stronger. Are there days he gets on my nerves, yes. Are there days that I want to say I give up but if I gave up I would be missing out on the little moments that make this all worthwhile. I would miss out on being with someone who unlocks a bit of his heart for me and I for him.

My Favorite Quote

I am sure if you have gone to Barnes and Noble you see the magnets with the quotes. Well one in particular caught my eye. It reads,
Happiness is a journey not a destination
for a long time it seemed to me that
life was about to begin- real life.
But there was always some obstacle
in the way. something to be gotten
through first, some unfinished
business, time still to be served
a debt to be paid. at last it dawned
on me that these obstacles were my life.
this perspective has helped me
to see there is no was to happiness.
happiness is the way. so treasure every moment
you have and remember that time waits for no one."
-Souza

I have had this quote sitting on the fridge and it was last night that I actually took the time to see what he actually meant. Life is too short to waste it on things that are of no importance. There are so many things going on right now that we much take the time out to enjoy life. I know that I get so wrapped up with work that those close to me suffer. So I decided that I am going to make a list of things that I want to do. I am in NYC for the next two years and so far everything I set out to do I have only barely scratched the surface. My list consist of the following.

Have a picnic in Central park with the boys.
Take the boys to Ellis Island
Go to Chicago and make peace with someone
Go to the observation deck at the empire state building.
Go see the Ballet
Visit every museum in manhattan
Watch a broadway show
Run through central park
Go to France this summer
Go to Portugal
Go to Vegas
See one of his art shows before I leave the city

There are more things I will add to the list as they come along but as I accomplish each one I will write about the experience. I want to be able to say to pass on great memories to my children. So tonight I am going to be the Ballet to see Sleeping beauty. I just bought my ticket I am extremely excited.

Silly goose

Ever had those moments that you just wish that you had just kept your mouth shut? That instead of saying anything you just walked away and went on like everything was fine. My best amigo told me the other night sometimes you have to cut people off with out an explanation. That would work if I weren't such a romantic sap. I honestly believed that sometimes love works out in your favor but it doesn't. You end up being that girl that no one wants to be. She is the one crying because she did it again. She fell for someone who was never going to see her in that light. Instead of backing out when she had that first inkling she kept going. She honestly thought that after all this time it had to be something special that kept them so close. The truth is it was all in her head. You can't stage love and hope that the person sees you the same way. Maybe love doesn't exist anymore. Let me not say that it does. You know that love is real that moment you have that first kiss. The moment you hold hands for the first time. You know that it's real when you still get nervous right before you pick them up to go out. you just have to see that if you are the one putting to much into it then it isn't real.

You just have to wait be patient, don't look for it. Don't persue it. You have to let it happen. When it does happen you will know that it is right. If you are following someone and trying to get them to see you through different eyes ask yourself are they doing the same. Are they putting in just as much effort. If the answer is no then just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, wipe the tears from your eyes and just keep moving forward.

Don't put to much into it

You and this guy start hanging out. You have known each other for a while and there may have been a moment when you had feelings for each other. Flash forward to present day. You have both lived different lives and are on track living the life you wanted for yourself. In the course of the time you came back into contact you guys share a couple of moments being physically close (not having sex). You are not sure where you stand or if this is just him being a guy or if there is something more going on. The logical thing after the first time it happens is to see if it will happen again. You don't want to spark a conversation over something that may have been a fluke. It happens the second time and you stay quiet. You are debating on "should I or shouldn't I). It doesn't help that the other person contributes any information.

So you get tired of waiting and wondering what it is that the other person is thinking. You start to think that maybe you are putting to much thought into anything that happens i.e kissing. You sit back and then it hits you. STOP PUTTING TO MUCH INTO IT!!!! This is a matter better left alone. If you persue it or try to talk about it you are just going to get your feelings hurt. If the person felt any sort of way or even remotely cared enough not to take it any further so not to hurt you he would have said something by now. With so much that is going on in this world I wouldn't waste what time I have persuing someone who is not persuing you. What every reasons you have come up in your head why you stick around think about it does it go both ways. If your answer is I don't know or just plain no, you need to evaluate what you are allowing in your life. Remember it is your life, even if people say "aww why don't you two get back together?" I can guarentee that when they are talking to him they are not saying the same thing.

So many women get caught up by this routine only to find themselves more hurt than what they started. To avoid feeling like an idiot at the end of the day do one of two things. You can A) leave him alone; B) make it clear you are just friends or C) go along for the ride and use the gym to release all the hurt, anger and frustration you are going to feel afterward. Lets face reality a bit that love story we thought we were going to have may not happen. You may meet the man of your dreams buying coffee at starbucks or even at target while buying dinner plates but it won't like a movie. Don't get me wrong it does happen and I am extrememly happy for anyone who has that. Cherish that person and don't take them for granted. Please don't think that I am anti-love because I am not. I am that romantic who just wants her own love story just wish that all the toads would get out the way so I can meet my prince.

My final thought is that if you are that person wondering what the deal just stop thinking about it. If something is going to happen it will happen on its own without you having to try. If you are the other person no matter what your reasons are put yourself in the others shoes. You know what kind of person she is and if you don't want to hurt then do anything that will cause confusion. Yes we get caught up in the moment but when it's two people that have a history together it is key to make sure you aren't heading to a dead end.