Thursday, November 25, 2010
It may seem like I have nothing but in fact I have everything
I can safely say that there is nothing in this world that I lack. I have a career that has been many things but dull is not one of them. I have a family who loves me and is there for me through all my zany moments. I have friends who if it weren't for them I think my life would not have been as color as it was. I am thankful for all the experiences that I went through because they made me that much stronger. I am thankful that God has blessed me each and every day. If he closed a door it wasn't to make break my heart it was to protect me from making a horrible mistake.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Goodbye to my past
I met you when I was a young girl. I thought our story was a testament of time. With all the ups and downs you would think that if we made it we were the real thing. Then life hit us and you went your way and I went mine. We tried to hold on but in the end we have our seperate paths. I look back and I think was it more hurtful than good to hold on to the familiar. I think that is what got us this far, the familiar comfort of a time long ago that was uncomplicated and sweet. I wish you the best in life and I am forever proud of you. At this point I have to let you go so that I can start anew.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Vulnerable
The past four years I have made it a point to control every aspect of a relationship. I made myself responsible for the in's and out's of every feeling, happening and decision. Four years later I have learned that the only result is looking back and seeing that I was wrong for doing so. Two months ago I met Mark and am learing that a relationship is not about who is in control. Each relationship that I had in the past I have always cut it short if I saw things were getting to difficult or not going in the direction that I wanted it to go in. I never felt that a relationship was worth fighting for. I built this wall around me and made sure that there were safeguards to ensure that if things didn't work out I would not be sad for too long. I never allowed myself to feel insecure because I told myself if this doesn't work then it is on to the next one. I vowed that I would never allow myself to be vulnerable in front of someone. Little did I know that would change.
I met him the day I dropped off a tester. I had asked him a question and he completely ignored me and I thought what a jerk. So I leave for my car and finish with the rest of my day until I had to pick up my guy again. So I get back to the test site at one o'clock. Low and behold guess who is there? Yup the jerk, only this time he actually speaks to me. We get into conversation waiting for our applicants to finish testing. I kept thinking he was really cute and had this great smile. So after 45 minutes of talking we get ready to take our guys back and he calls my name and ask for my number. He says he is going to take me to the movies on Saturday. Having to wait two days to seem him seemed to drag on. Our date on Saturday did not go as I thought it would. One I had to meet him at his job, two he was late 45 minutes. When he finally picked me I was a little over dressed because we spent an hour and half walking through the mall. I figured we were going to eat dinner and then catch a movie. Hear I am in shorts, a scoop neck shirt and heels and we are walking through the mall like teenagers. Finally we leave to get the tickets so we can eat. He asked me what I want to eat and I say how about Legal Seafoods since it was close by. Well that would have been fine if he hadn't bought tickets for a movie that started in the next hour. So seafood was out. He says we can get something later. I tell him I don't want to eat at a diner. Mind you after 11pm everything closes in Long Island. So it was no surprise when he says lets eat at a diner I tell him I rather go home. We start heading out only to end up in Queens. I live in Manhattan, he explains that I have to stay the night at his place because he is extremely tired and won't be able to drive back. My first instinct was take the train home what came out of my mouth was "okay sure". No we did not have sex that night for those who were wondering. So he drops me off and I am like okay never again. Little did I know that two weeks later I would be moving in as a trail run to see if we would be a good couple.
How did I end up moving in? Well I was at home talking to my mother and she makes a joke that we should try it out for 30 days. I thought she was serious so when I see him that night I tell him what she says. I laugh thinking he would take it as a joke but he thought I was serious. So that following Friday I move into my new home for the next month. Everything is cute and fine and then one night this little voice tells me to look through his phone. Side note ladies: If you don't want to find something dont snoop. Low and behold I find text messages from other females. Mind you we have not been seeing each other that long at this point it is a little under a month so of course I start packing my stuff up, it is around 2am when I am packing. He wakes up around 9am and I am getting dressed. I sit down next to him and tell him I am ready to move back home. At first I wasn't going to say anything about looking through his phone but I figure I might as well I am not sticking around after this. If you had sat there and listened to the conversation that followed you would have just decided to get up and walk away, I didn't. I said I would stay and stick it out with him. I went to work the next morning told my supervisor I need to take care of some stuff. That afternoon while he was at work I moved out. Later that evening he came to my house and I gave him the key.
That was month one the begining of month two we still went out and while I battled with nagging feelings that I wasn't the only one in his life he was perfectly content with where we were. Anyone who knows me understands that unless I have a clear understanding of where something is going or what is being established I am not going to leave things alone. I found myself at every turn trying to get him to make a decision about what was it that he wanted from me and this relationship. You get tired of saying the same thing over and over. What I failed to realize was that in the process of me trying to get this one victory I was missing all the changes that he was making for me. My mom said that I was to busy looking for the elephant that I was missing the mice. Where once he would look at other women when we went to eat he now would face me with his back to everyone else. Instead of letting me take the train he would come pick me up from my door. He made an effort to ensure that I felt at home at his place by telling me to bring stuff to leave there. He would be offended when I tried to pay for meals and I did it to show him that I didn't need him. Again it was my way of assuming control. Sometimes people try to show you in their own way that they care about you. Not everyone has the same approach to expressing love or feelings. I wanted him to have my same approach but the fact is that we have two different backgrounds we have two different methods. While our previous experiences at love have left us trying to make the other prove their value we were missing the key point, that we were falling for the other.
About a week ago I called it quits and told him that I was unhappy that what was the point of staying in this if I wasn't getting what I needed. That night I realized that it wasnt the fact that I wasn't getting what I needed I was upset because I wasn't getting it how I wanted it. Mark is an amazing guy while he can be a bit abrasive I don't doubt how he feels for me. I think that he lets his fears that I am going to leave him get the best of him. Although I have to say that in and of myself I have confirmed his fears on two occasions. Instead of communicating to him how I felt I bailed out on us. That night I cried and it was the first time in a long time that I allowed myself to feel something for someone. A few years ago I let someone into my heart only to have it broken and since then I have kept it under wraps. Being vulnerable in front of Mark is scary but when I am with him it is like there is no one else around. When I talk to him I am always laughing and learn to not be so serious all the time. When we are sleeping he pulls me close to him and he each time that I am with him I feel like he is my other half. Yes it has been a short time but in that short time I have the privelage to experience all the things that can make or break a couple and I can say that we are stronger. Are there days he gets on my nerves, yes. Are there days that I want to say I give up but if I gave up I would be missing out on the little moments that make this all worthwhile. I would miss out on being with someone who unlocks a bit of his heart for me and I for him.
I met him the day I dropped off a tester. I had asked him a question and he completely ignored me and I thought what a jerk. So I leave for my car and finish with the rest of my day until I had to pick up my guy again. So I get back to the test site at one o'clock. Low and behold guess who is there? Yup the jerk, only this time he actually speaks to me. We get into conversation waiting for our applicants to finish testing. I kept thinking he was really cute and had this great smile. So after 45 minutes of talking we get ready to take our guys back and he calls my name and ask for my number. He says he is going to take me to the movies on Saturday. Having to wait two days to seem him seemed to drag on. Our date on Saturday did not go as I thought it would. One I had to meet him at his job, two he was late 45 minutes. When he finally picked me I was a little over dressed because we spent an hour and half walking through the mall. I figured we were going to eat dinner and then catch a movie. Hear I am in shorts, a scoop neck shirt and heels and we are walking through the mall like teenagers. Finally we leave to get the tickets so we can eat. He asked me what I want to eat and I say how about Legal Seafoods since it was close by. Well that would have been fine if he hadn't bought tickets for a movie that started in the next hour. So seafood was out. He says we can get something later. I tell him I don't want to eat at a diner. Mind you after 11pm everything closes in Long Island. So it was no surprise when he says lets eat at a diner I tell him I rather go home. We start heading out only to end up in Queens. I live in Manhattan, he explains that I have to stay the night at his place because he is extremely tired and won't be able to drive back. My first instinct was take the train home what came out of my mouth was "okay sure". No we did not have sex that night for those who were wondering. So he drops me off and I am like okay never again. Little did I know that two weeks later I would be moving in as a trail run to see if we would be a good couple.
How did I end up moving in? Well I was at home talking to my mother and she makes a joke that we should try it out for 30 days. I thought she was serious so when I see him that night I tell him what she says. I laugh thinking he would take it as a joke but he thought I was serious. So that following Friday I move into my new home for the next month. Everything is cute and fine and then one night this little voice tells me to look through his phone. Side note ladies: If you don't want to find something dont snoop. Low and behold I find text messages from other females. Mind you we have not been seeing each other that long at this point it is a little under a month so of course I start packing my stuff up, it is around 2am when I am packing. He wakes up around 9am and I am getting dressed. I sit down next to him and tell him I am ready to move back home. At first I wasn't going to say anything about looking through his phone but I figure I might as well I am not sticking around after this. If you had sat there and listened to the conversation that followed you would have just decided to get up and walk away, I didn't. I said I would stay and stick it out with him. I went to work the next morning told my supervisor I need to take care of some stuff. That afternoon while he was at work I moved out. Later that evening he came to my house and I gave him the key.
That was month one the begining of month two we still went out and while I battled with nagging feelings that I wasn't the only one in his life he was perfectly content with where we were. Anyone who knows me understands that unless I have a clear understanding of where something is going or what is being established I am not going to leave things alone. I found myself at every turn trying to get him to make a decision about what was it that he wanted from me and this relationship. You get tired of saying the same thing over and over. What I failed to realize was that in the process of me trying to get this one victory I was missing all the changes that he was making for me. My mom said that I was to busy looking for the elephant that I was missing the mice. Where once he would look at other women when we went to eat he now would face me with his back to everyone else. Instead of letting me take the train he would come pick me up from my door. He made an effort to ensure that I felt at home at his place by telling me to bring stuff to leave there. He would be offended when I tried to pay for meals and I did it to show him that I didn't need him. Again it was my way of assuming control. Sometimes people try to show you in their own way that they care about you. Not everyone has the same approach to expressing love or feelings. I wanted him to have my same approach but the fact is that we have two different backgrounds we have two different methods. While our previous experiences at love have left us trying to make the other prove their value we were missing the key point, that we were falling for the other.
About a week ago I called it quits and told him that I was unhappy that what was the point of staying in this if I wasn't getting what I needed. That night I realized that it wasnt the fact that I wasn't getting what I needed I was upset because I wasn't getting it how I wanted it. Mark is an amazing guy while he can be a bit abrasive I don't doubt how he feels for me. I think that he lets his fears that I am going to leave him get the best of him. Although I have to say that in and of myself I have confirmed his fears on two occasions. Instead of communicating to him how I felt I bailed out on us. That night I cried and it was the first time in a long time that I allowed myself to feel something for someone. A few years ago I let someone into my heart only to have it broken and since then I have kept it under wraps. Being vulnerable in front of Mark is scary but when I am with him it is like there is no one else around. When I talk to him I am always laughing and learn to not be so serious all the time. When we are sleeping he pulls me close to him and he each time that I am with him I feel like he is my other half. Yes it has been a short time but in that short time I have the privelage to experience all the things that can make or break a couple and I can say that we are stronger. Are there days he gets on my nerves, yes. Are there days that I want to say I give up but if I gave up I would be missing out on the little moments that make this all worthwhile. I would miss out on being with someone who unlocks a bit of his heart for me and I for him.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
My Favorite Quote
I am sure if you have gone to Barnes and Noble you see the magnets with the quotes. Well one in particular caught my eye. It reads,
Happiness is a journey not a destination
for a long time it seemed to me that
life was about to begin- real life.
But there was always some obstacle
in the way. something to be gotten
through first, some unfinished
business, time still to be served
a debt to be paid. at last it dawned
on me that these obstacles were my life.
this perspective has helped me
to see there is no was to happiness.
happiness is the way. so treasure every moment
you have and remember that time waits for no one."
-Souza
I have had this quote sitting on the fridge and it was last night that I actually took the time to see what he actually meant. Life is too short to waste it on things that are of no importance. There are so many things going on right now that we much take the time out to enjoy life. I know that I get so wrapped up with work that those close to me suffer. So I decided that I am going to make a list of things that I want to do. I am in NYC for the next two years and so far everything I set out to do I have only barely scratched the surface. My list consist of the following.
Have a picnic in Central park with the boys.
Take the boys to Ellis Island
Go to Chicago and make peace with someone
Go to the observation deck at the empire state building.
Go see the Ballet
Visit every museum in manhattan
Watch a broadway show
Run through central park
Go to France this summer
Go to Portugal
Go to Vegas
See one of his art shows before I leave the city
There are more things I will add to the list as they come along but as I accomplish each one I will write about the experience. I want to be able to say to pass on great memories to my children. So tonight I am going to be the Ballet to see Sleeping beauty. I just bought my ticket I am extremely excited.
Happiness is a journey not a destination
for a long time it seemed to me that
life was about to begin- real life.
But there was always some obstacle
in the way. something to be gotten
through first, some unfinished
business, time still to be served
a debt to be paid. at last it dawned
on me that these obstacles were my life.
this perspective has helped me
to see there is no was to happiness.
happiness is the way. so treasure every moment
you have and remember that time waits for no one."
-Souza
I have had this quote sitting on the fridge and it was last night that I actually took the time to see what he actually meant. Life is too short to waste it on things that are of no importance. There are so many things going on right now that we much take the time out to enjoy life. I know that I get so wrapped up with work that those close to me suffer. So I decided that I am going to make a list of things that I want to do. I am in NYC for the next two years and so far everything I set out to do I have only barely scratched the surface. My list consist of the following.
Have a picnic in Central park with the boys.
Take the boys to Ellis Island
Go to Chicago and make peace with someone
Go to the observation deck at the empire state building.
Go see the Ballet
Visit every museum in manhattan
Watch a broadway show
Run through central park
Go to France this summer
Go to Portugal
Go to Vegas
See one of his art shows before I leave the city
There are more things I will add to the list as they come along but as I accomplish each one I will write about the experience. I want to be able to say to pass on great memories to my children. So tonight I am going to be the Ballet to see Sleeping beauty. I just bought my ticket I am extremely excited.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Silly goose
Ever had those moments that you just wish that you had just kept your mouth shut? That instead of saying anything you just walked away and went on like everything was fine. My best amigo told me the other night sometimes you have to cut people off with out an explanation. That would work if I weren't such a romantic sap. I honestly believed that sometimes love works out in your favor but it doesn't. You end up being that girl that no one wants to be. She is the one crying because she did it again. She fell for someone who was never going to see her in that light. Instead of backing out when she had that first inkling she kept going. She honestly thought that after all this time it had to be something special that kept them so close. The truth is it was all in her head. You can't stage love and hope that the person sees you the same way. Maybe love doesn't exist anymore. Let me not say that it does. You know that love is real that moment you have that first kiss. The moment you hold hands for the first time. You know that it's real when you still get nervous right before you pick them up to go out. you just have to see that if you are the one putting to much into it then it isn't real.
You just have to wait be patient, don't look for it. Don't persue it. You have to let it happen. When it does happen you will know that it is right. If you are following someone and trying to get them to see you through different eyes ask yourself are they doing the same. Are they putting in just as much effort. If the answer is no then just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, wipe the tears from your eyes and just keep moving forward.
You just have to wait be patient, don't look for it. Don't persue it. You have to let it happen. When it does happen you will know that it is right. If you are following someone and trying to get them to see you through different eyes ask yourself are they doing the same. Are they putting in just as much effort. If the answer is no then just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, wipe the tears from your eyes and just keep moving forward.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Don't put to much into it
You and this guy start hanging out. You have known each other for a while and there may have been a moment when you had feelings for each other. Flash forward to present day. You have both lived different lives and are on track living the life you wanted for yourself. In the course of the time you came back into contact you guys share a couple of moments being physically close (not having sex). You are not sure where you stand or if this is just him being a guy or if there is something more going on. The logical thing after the first time it happens is to see if it will happen again. You don't want to spark a conversation over something that may have been a fluke. It happens the second time and you stay quiet. You are debating on "should I or shouldn't I). It doesn't help that the other person contributes any information.
So you get tired of waiting and wondering what it is that the other person is thinking. You start to think that maybe you are putting to much thought into anything that happens i.e kissing. You sit back and then it hits you. STOP PUTTING TO MUCH INTO IT!!!! This is a matter better left alone. If you persue it or try to talk about it you are just going to get your feelings hurt. If the person felt any sort of way or even remotely cared enough not to take it any further so not to hurt you he would have said something by now. With so much that is going on in this world I wouldn't waste what time I have persuing someone who is not persuing you. What every reasons you have come up in your head why you stick around think about it does it go both ways. If your answer is I don't know or just plain no, you need to evaluate what you are allowing in your life. Remember it is your life, even if people say "aww why don't you two get back together?" I can guarentee that when they are talking to him they are not saying the same thing.
So many women get caught up by this routine only to find themselves more hurt than what they started. To avoid feeling like an idiot at the end of the day do one of two things. You can A) leave him alone; B) make it clear you are just friends or C) go along for the ride and use the gym to release all the hurt, anger and frustration you are going to feel afterward. Lets face reality a bit that love story we thought we were going to have may not happen. You may meet the man of your dreams buying coffee at starbucks or even at target while buying dinner plates but it won't like a movie. Don't get me wrong it does happen and I am extrememly happy for anyone who has that. Cherish that person and don't take them for granted. Please don't think that I am anti-love because I am not. I am that romantic who just wants her own love story just wish that all the toads would get out the way so I can meet my prince.
My final thought is that if you are that person wondering what the deal just stop thinking about it. If something is going to happen it will happen on its own without you having to try. If you are the other person no matter what your reasons are put yourself in the others shoes. You know what kind of person she is and if you don't want to hurt then do anything that will cause confusion. Yes we get caught up in the moment but when it's two people that have a history together it is key to make sure you aren't heading to a dead end.
So you get tired of waiting and wondering what it is that the other person is thinking. You start to think that maybe you are putting to much thought into anything that happens i.e kissing. You sit back and then it hits you. STOP PUTTING TO MUCH INTO IT!!!! This is a matter better left alone. If you persue it or try to talk about it you are just going to get your feelings hurt. If the person felt any sort of way or even remotely cared enough not to take it any further so not to hurt you he would have said something by now. With so much that is going on in this world I wouldn't waste what time I have persuing someone who is not persuing you. What every reasons you have come up in your head why you stick around think about it does it go both ways. If your answer is I don't know or just plain no, you need to evaluate what you are allowing in your life. Remember it is your life, even if people say "aww why don't you two get back together?" I can guarentee that when they are talking to him they are not saying the same thing.
So many women get caught up by this routine only to find themselves more hurt than what they started. To avoid feeling like an idiot at the end of the day do one of two things. You can A) leave him alone; B) make it clear you are just friends or C) go along for the ride and use the gym to release all the hurt, anger and frustration you are going to feel afterward. Lets face reality a bit that love story we thought we were going to have may not happen. You may meet the man of your dreams buying coffee at starbucks or even at target while buying dinner plates but it won't like a movie. Don't get me wrong it does happen and I am extrememly happy for anyone who has that. Cherish that person and don't take them for granted. Please don't think that I am anti-love because I am not. I am that romantic who just wants her own love story just wish that all the toads would get out the way so I can meet my prince.
My final thought is that if you are that person wondering what the deal just stop thinking about it. If something is going to happen it will happen on its own without you having to try. If you are the other person no matter what your reasons are put yourself in the others shoes. You know what kind of person she is and if you don't want to hurt then do anything that will cause confusion. Yes we get caught up in the moment but when it's two people that have a history together it is key to make sure you aren't heading to a dead end.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
At night
Last night I thought about you. I realized that subconsciencely I have been waiting for you to call. I have been waiting for you to reach out like you always do. I guess this time you took me seriously. If I had the chance to be face to face with you, what would I say? I would tell you that I love you. That no one before you and after you could have the same impact on my heart. I try not to think about you because I don't want that feeling of longing for you. Nights are spent trying not to dream of you. It is pointless because you seem to drift into them. There are times when it seems that I feel you close by. I close my eyes and there you are kissing me, holding me in the way that only you can. I look at your side of the bed and I miss you being there.
I think back to the night before you left and in my mind it is all so vivid that night you kissed me like never before. You held me in your arms and whispered in to my ear. You watched me as I slept and traced the curves of my face with your finger. I awoke and asked you what was wrong and you say you want to remember me this way until you see me again. We are sitting at the airport and I am crying because I want to get on that plane with you. I didn't want to let go of your hand. I try to fill that space that is not there. I know that our story has come to a close and that our time has passed. Will we ever see each other who knows, but if that day comes I will smile and be happy with whatever course you took in life.
I think back to the night before you left and in my mind it is all so vivid that night you kissed me like never before. You held me in your arms and whispered in to my ear. You watched me as I slept and traced the curves of my face with your finger. I awoke and asked you what was wrong and you say you want to remember me this way until you see me again. We are sitting at the airport and I am crying because I want to get on that plane with you. I didn't want to let go of your hand. I try to fill that space that is not there. I know that our story has come to a close and that our time has passed. Will we ever see each other who knows, but if that day comes I will smile and be happy with whatever course you took in life.
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