I think about you often.
Sometimes I sit down and write letters but never send them.
I ask myself why can I not forget you.
I tell myself that you have moved and no longer think of me but it doesn't work.
At night I want to call you but never get the courage to do so.
There are things I want to say but lack the courage to.
Fear of rejection seem to put a stop to any bravado I may have mustered up.
Sometimes I feel so sure that I love you other times I am not sure if it's because you are a familiar face.
I miss talking to you, I miss that feeling of having you close and knowing you would always be there.
But as I have learned nothing is for certain.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Patience
I have been a serial dater all my life. I have either had a boyfriend or I have dated people for months at a time. Then not only do I date I go out with guys who couldn't tell you what they wanted out of life. It's like I give myself a way out so I have a reason to say that the relationship didn't work. The problem with that is there are instances that I do find myself caring for the person only to have them not feel the same way for me.
Today I was having a conversation with someone and the more I kept talking to them I was noticing that in all honesty I myself don't know what I want anymore. For the longest time I wanted a husband and to have kids but the people I have been in relationships weren't at the place or to be blunt didn't see me as potential wife material. After a while you just give up and start questioning yourself. You start asking yourself what is wrong with you that you seem to be striking out.
I have heard the whole wait and be patient and the problem is that I am not patient at all. I keep thinking that if I just sit by it won't happen. I read this book "When God Writes Your Love Story" By The Ludy's they are a christian couple who wrote this book. There is a passage that states "Being faithful starts before you meet your mate." It made me feel a little convicted. I have been making changing in my life over the past two years and to be honest I have been feeling that they were for nothing. I started doubting that God has a husband for me and that I am destined to be single. That is not the case, I am learning that there is much that I have to learn and until I am in that place I need to be God won't allow it to happen. His word says that as long as your desires are in accordance with his word he would grant them to you. I have to learn to be patient; everything is in His timing not my own. I have to learn to be selective with who I give my heart to. If I keep giving pieces away I am not going to have anything left to give for the one who is meant for me. I need to stop dating, flirting or just having inappropriate conversations because for all I know something is going to get back to the wrong person. I rather avoid having to do damage control. I have to stop being so trusting. People these days are just obsessed with sex and themselves. I need to be comfortable in my own skin and stop being what I think people want me to be. If someone doesn't want to date me because of my beliefs, status, or any other reason they don't deserve me. I have to not only know my worth but believe that I am worth loving. I have to stop speaking negative things into my life. If I keep saying no one is going to want me because I have two kids then guess what? No one is going to want me. I have to stop selling myself short and seeing people for who they are and not what they have the potential to be. I have to let go of the past and wanting to go back to what is familiar. If it was meant to be it would not have been so east to let go.
Most importantly I have to stop putting limitations on my God and trust Him. He has a plan for me. He didn't pull me out of that dismal life that I was living to leave me high and drive. I know that I am at my breakthrough and I know that things are going to seem dim and bleak but I need to hold on. Now more than ever I need to trust in God and stop looking at what is around me. Right now things seem bleak and they seem like nothing is going in my favor but I serve a great and mighty God. To Him all things are possible. People want nothing more than to see me fall but I am not going to give them that satisfaction. This weekend I really thought I was going to cave in and resort back to the old me. Up until a few hours ago I was ready to turn my back on God but like I said he is always in control. He has shown me that he is not going to let me walk away this easily.
When you feel like giving up Praise Him. When you feel life everything is going down the drain; get on your knees and cry out to him. When you feel alone and that his not listening to you that is when he is closest to you. You may think I am crazy but it's true. I have seen Him work and make things happen. I just need to be patient and stop doubting him.
Today I was having a conversation with someone and the more I kept talking to them I was noticing that in all honesty I myself don't know what I want anymore. For the longest time I wanted a husband and to have kids but the people I have been in relationships weren't at the place or to be blunt didn't see me as potential wife material. After a while you just give up and start questioning yourself. You start asking yourself what is wrong with you that you seem to be striking out.
I have heard the whole wait and be patient and the problem is that I am not patient at all. I keep thinking that if I just sit by it won't happen. I read this book "When God Writes Your Love Story" By The Ludy's they are a christian couple who wrote this book. There is a passage that states "Being faithful starts before you meet your mate." It made me feel a little convicted. I have been making changing in my life over the past two years and to be honest I have been feeling that they were for nothing. I started doubting that God has a husband for me and that I am destined to be single. That is not the case, I am learning that there is much that I have to learn and until I am in that place I need to be God won't allow it to happen. His word says that as long as your desires are in accordance with his word he would grant them to you. I have to learn to be patient; everything is in His timing not my own. I have to learn to be selective with who I give my heart to. If I keep giving pieces away I am not going to have anything left to give for the one who is meant for me. I need to stop dating, flirting or just having inappropriate conversations because for all I know something is going to get back to the wrong person. I rather avoid having to do damage control. I have to stop being so trusting. People these days are just obsessed with sex and themselves. I need to be comfortable in my own skin and stop being what I think people want me to be. If someone doesn't want to date me because of my beliefs, status, or any other reason they don't deserve me. I have to not only know my worth but believe that I am worth loving. I have to stop speaking negative things into my life. If I keep saying no one is going to want me because I have two kids then guess what? No one is going to want me. I have to stop selling myself short and seeing people for who they are and not what they have the potential to be. I have to let go of the past and wanting to go back to what is familiar. If it was meant to be it would not have been so east to let go.
Most importantly I have to stop putting limitations on my God and trust Him. He has a plan for me. He didn't pull me out of that dismal life that I was living to leave me high and drive. I know that I am at my breakthrough and I know that things are going to seem dim and bleak but I need to hold on. Now more than ever I need to trust in God and stop looking at what is around me. Right now things seem bleak and they seem like nothing is going in my favor but I serve a great and mighty God. To Him all things are possible. People want nothing more than to see me fall but I am not going to give them that satisfaction. This weekend I really thought I was going to cave in and resort back to the old me. Up until a few hours ago I was ready to turn my back on God but like I said he is always in control. He has shown me that he is not going to let me walk away this easily.
When you feel like giving up Praise Him. When you feel life everything is going down the drain; get on your knees and cry out to him. When you feel alone and that his not listening to you that is when he is closest to you. You may think I am crazy but it's true. I have seen Him work and make things happen. I just need to be patient and stop doubting him.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
All I had to do was read
There are times in your walk with God that you have that moment and you ask him "Did you really bring me all this way to leave me here?" In life things may not go according to the plan we think that God has for us. We tend to forget that only God knows that plan. Like my mom always tells me "If God gave you the whole puzzle you would find a way to mess it up." God gives us enough pieces and all the tools to make it through. As we are going along this path and he gives us more pieces. By the time we get to the end we see this amazing picture. It is what happens in between that people going through ups and downs tend to forget He is not yet done with us. Many times not being able to see the whole picture leaves us confused when things come our way. You may not think that you are prepared but understand that you have the tools. All he wants you to do is believe that he can and that he will.
So this brings us to my story but first I want to give you these passages that I found in the Bible this morning.
Philippians 1:6
Being confident in this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.
Matthew 24:13
But he who endures to the end shall be saved.
James 1:4,5
But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and with out reproach, and it will be given to him.
These three verses gave me such a joy and such a hope that my eyes welled up with tears while I was riding on the bus. God had given me proof that he was in total control and that he didn't bring me all this way to abandon me.
From the time that I was a small child God had always provided for my family and I. We may not have had a lot of money but we had everything we needed. I was always told I would never know lack and that I would be blessed everywhere I went. I didn't understand it then and it wasn't until just a few months ago that I understood just how true God's promise was. I was taught that I didn't have a religion I had a faith, yes there is a difference. My faith is what got me through the darkest hours of my life. Faith is what kept me going even though everything around me was falling apart. Faith gave me hope and helped me to move mountains. Religion did the opposite and left me more angry than anything else. Faith is what led me to keep trusting and led me to these three passages.
God knows the desires of your heart. As long as they are in accordance with his word he will grant you those desires. I have one true desire that I have wanted from the time I was a little girl. Since I was a teen all I kept hearing was be patient and it will come. Through out the years I was losing hope I had pretty much abandoned God and all the teachings I had been given, remember when I told He gives you tools. Well those teachings were the tools that I needed when I was going through the dark times and since I had abandoned God I didn't know how to use them so I for eight years I was in a self destructive phase. I lost hope, I was angry, I hated myself and just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was up for orders and I almost ended up in Chicago but God had other plans. Always remember this; you may have decided to go off the beaten path but God will allow circumstances to bring you back to the place you need to be. So I ended up in New York, talk about being upset. When I look back now I see that I lived a sad and depressing life. Yes there are pictures of me smiling with friends and appearing that I was having the time of my life, but that was not what was going on behind the scenes. Every night I would go home to an empty house and I would cry. I hated that my life hadn't gone the way that I thought it would. I felt like God had lied to me and that he didn't have a plan for me. That was two and a half years ago when I live in Virginia.
So here I am in New York, back in my mothers apartment and back in the room that I grew up in. Talk about feeling like your life just turned into the biggest joke. In my mind I failed because I ended up back with my parents. I was still in my self destructive mode I drank, went out and sometimes I didn't come home. My mother had married and I felt like I was out of place. I had my boys back with me and I didn't know the first things about being a parent. My mom had raised them while I was stationed in Virginia. Here I was in a situation that I have never been placed in before. The desire that I have had was to have a family but I wanted the whole family, you know husband and kids. I had the kids and I almost had the husband but things didn't go quite the way I thought they would.
I remember it had been a couple of months that had passed since I had come back and my mom got tired of seeing my go deeper into depression. She sat me down one day and asked me "How is God supposed to bless you with a husband when you can't take care of the relationships he has given you now?" She was referring to the boys, I was home physically but my mind was still in pity party mode. That conversation didn't have an effect for another year. By that time I had been back in New York for a year and a half. My ex and I had been going back and forth about where our relationship stood or if anything was worth saving. It got to the point that because of various reasons it wasn't going to work out. I had never loved anyone the way that I love him. Not having it work out just made me so angry with God but it turned out to be that this moment was what he was going to use to bring me back to Him.
The teachings that my grandmother and mother had taught me started resurfacing. The biggest lesson was that as long as I kept his word in my heart and that I obeyed him he would open the doors of heaven and rain down a blessing on me that I would not be able to contain. Mal. 3:10. He said that if I had faith the size of a mustard seed nothing would be impossible to me. Matt 17:20. All this time I was trying to control everything that I was forgetting that I am not in control at all. I literally was telling God "Hey I know you created the whole world and everything in it but you have no clue what I need so I am taking over." I am sure he got a big laugh out of that. I got to the point one night I just fell on the floor crying and I just let everything out. I broke down and told Him how I had made of mess of things and how I just had gotten so far away from Him that I was lost. I gave him all my hurts, all my faults, all the anger, resentment, disappointment and He gave me a fresh start. The next day I came home from work and asked my mom to take a walk with me to Barnes and Noble and I bought a Bible. She and I sit down and we debate and I know that both she and God have been waiting for this day for a long time. I started tithing and every time I made a decision I would ask myself is this what Jesus would do? Is this in accordance with Gods word. All He is wanted from me was to follow him. He wanted me to focus on Him so he could take care of the rest. Simple stuff but it can be hard at times.
So of course here I am happy as can be because I can see all the things God is doing for me and I feel great because everything is going well. I am so thankful to God because he has kept true to his word. Then things started taking a turn that I wasn't too happy with. A few months ago there was talk about the Navy downsizing and guess what I was in a rating that they wanted to downsize in. I submitted a package to change jobs that got disapproved, my ex came to visit but it didn't go to well, and then they told me I could not stay in my rate and I need to pick a job. Well the jobs that I qualify for are not available. I came home one day and just started crying again. I just went off and started warbling saying why was it that this was all happening to me. Why now was everything falling apart. Needless to say I had a gripe and it had taken its toll on me. But guess what, God uses those moments to test your faith. Of course when everything is going well you praise him and tell the world how awesome he is. Then the hard times hit and you forget how far he brought you. You start questioning why didn't he let things happen to you when you were doing all the wrong things. Why now that you were obeying him were things going down the toilet. The reason is that back then I would have never made it through. This time I am stronger, I am growing and I am not going to give up. My God made a promise to me and regardless of what is going on around me I am not going to forsake Him.
If you have doubts, you get scared look in the Bible there is a passage for anything that you might be feeling. Who knows maybe it is that day you too are sitting on a bus and you come across a passage and you hear that small still voice saying "This is for you." I know that God sees the innermost part of my heart, I know He knows me better than I know myself. I put it all in His hands which is where it needs to be in the first place.
So this brings us to my story but first I want to give you these passages that I found in the Bible this morning.
Philippians 1:6
Being confident in this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.
Matthew 24:13
But he who endures to the end shall be saved.
James 1:4,5
But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and with out reproach, and it will be given to him.
These three verses gave me such a joy and such a hope that my eyes welled up with tears while I was riding on the bus. God had given me proof that he was in total control and that he didn't bring me all this way to abandon me.
From the time that I was a small child God had always provided for my family and I. We may not have had a lot of money but we had everything we needed. I was always told I would never know lack and that I would be blessed everywhere I went. I didn't understand it then and it wasn't until just a few months ago that I understood just how true God's promise was. I was taught that I didn't have a religion I had a faith, yes there is a difference. My faith is what got me through the darkest hours of my life. Faith is what kept me going even though everything around me was falling apart. Faith gave me hope and helped me to move mountains. Religion did the opposite and left me more angry than anything else. Faith is what led me to keep trusting and led me to these three passages.
God knows the desires of your heart. As long as they are in accordance with his word he will grant you those desires. I have one true desire that I have wanted from the time I was a little girl. Since I was a teen all I kept hearing was be patient and it will come. Through out the years I was losing hope I had pretty much abandoned God and all the teachings I had been given, remember when I told He gives you tools. Well those teachings were the tools that I needed when I was going through the dark times and since I had abandoned God I didn't know how to use them so I for eight years I was in a self destructive phase. I lost hope, I was angry, I hated myself and just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was up for orders and I almost ended up in Chicago but God had other plans. Always remember this; you may have decided to go off the beaten path but God will allow circumstances to bring you back to the place you need to be. So I ended up in New York, talk about being upset. When I look back now I see that I lived a sad and depressing life. Yes there are pictures of me smiling with friends and appearing that I was having the time of my life, but that was not what was going on behind the scenes. Every night I would go home to an empty house and I would cry. I hated that my life hadn't gone the way that I thought it would. I felt like God had lied to me and that he didn't have a plan for me. That was two and a half years ago when I live in Virginia.
So here I am in New York, back in my mothers apartment and back in the room that I grew up in. Talk about feeling like your life just turned into the biggest joke. In my mind I failed because I ended up back with my parents. I was still in my self destructive mode I drank, went out and sometimes I didn't come home. My mother had married and I felt like I was out of place. I had my boys back with me and I didn't know the first things about being a parent. My mom had raised them while I was stationed in Virginia. Here I was in a situation that I have never been placed in before. The desire that I have had was to have a family but I wanted the whole family, you know husband and kids. I had the kids and I almost had the husband but things didn't go quite the way I thought they would.
I remember it had been a couple of months that had passed since I had come back and my mom got tired of seeing my go deeper into depression. She sat me down one day and asked me "How is God supposed to bless you with a husband when you can't take care of the relationships he has given you now?" She was referring to the boys, I was home physically but my mind was still in pity party mode. That conversation didn't have an effect for another year. By that time I had been back in New York for a year and a half. My ex and I had been going back and forth about where our relationship stood or if anything was worth saving. It got to the point that because of various reasons it wasn't going to work out. I had never loved anyone the way that I love him. Not having it work out just made me so angry with God but it turned out to be that this moment was what he was going to use to bring me back to Him.
The teachings that my grandmother and mother had taught me started resurfacing. The biggest lesson was that as long as I kept his word in my heart and that I obeyed him he would open the doors of heaven and rain down a blessing on me that I would not be able to contain. Mal. 3:10. He said that if I had faith the size of a mustard seed nothing would be impossible to me. Matt 17:20. All this time I was trying to control everything that I was forgetting that I am not in control at all. I literally was telling God "Hey I know you created the whole world and everything in it but you have no clue what I need so I am taking over." I am sure he got a big laugh out of that. I got to the point one night I just fell on the floor crying and I just let everything out. I broke down and told Him how I had made of mess of things and how I just had gotten so far away from Him that I was lost. I gave him all my hurts, all my faults, all the anger, resentment, disappointment and He gave me a fresh start. The next day I came home from work and asked my mom to take a walk with me to Barnes and Noble and I bought a Bible. She and I sit down and we debate and I know that both she and God have been waiting for this day for a long time. I started tithing and every time I made a decision I would ask myself is this what Jesus would do? Is this in accordance with Gods word. All He is wanted from me was to follow him. He wanted me to focus on Him so he could take care of the rest. Simple stuff but it can be hard at times.
So of course here I am happy as can be because I can see all the things God is doing for me and I feel great because everything is going well. I am so thankful to God because he has kept true to his word. Then things started taking a turn that I wasn't too happy with. A few months ago there was talk about the Navy downsizing and guess what I was in a rating that they wanted to downsize in. I submitted a package to change jobs that got disapproved, my ex came to visit but it didn't go to well, and then they told me I could not stay in my rate and I need to pick a job. Well the jobs that I qualify for are not available. I came home one day and just started crying again. I just went off and started warbling saying why was it that this was all happening to me. Why now was everything falling apart. Needless to say I had a gripe and it had taken its toll on me. But guess what, God uses those moments to test your faith. Of course when everything is going well you praise him and tell the world how awesome he is. Then the hard times hit and you forget how far he brought you. You start questioning why didn't he let things happen to you when you were doing all the wrong things. Why now that you were obeying him were things going down the toilet. The reason is that back then I would have never made it through. This time I am stronger, I am growing and I am not going to give up. My God made a promise to me and regardless of what is going on around me I am not going to forsake Him.
If you have doubts, you get scared look in the Bible there is a passage for anything that you might be feeling. Who knows maybe it is that day you too are sitting on a bus and you come across a passage and you hear that small still voice saying "This is for you." I know that God sees the innermost part of my heart, I know He knows me better than I know myself. I put it all in His hands which is where it needs to be in the first place.
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