Monday, September 13, 2010
Goodbye to my past
I met you when I was a young girl. I thought our story was a testament of time. With all the ups and downs you would think that if we made it we were the real thing. Then life hit us and you went your way and I went mine. We tried to hold on but in the end we have our seperate paths. I look back and I think was it more hurtful than good to hold on to the familiar. I think that is what got us this far, the familiar comfort of a time long ago that was uncomplicated and sweet. I wish you the best in life and I am forever proud of you. At this point I have to let you go so that I can start anew.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Vulnerable
The past four years I have made it a point to control every aspect of a relationship. I made myself responsible for the in's and out's of every feeling, happening and decision. Four years later I have learned that the only result is looking back and seeing that I was wrong for doing so. Two months ago I met Mark and am learing that a relationship is not about who is in control. Each relationship that I had in the past I have always cut it short if I saw things were getting to difficult or not going in the direction that I wanted it to go in. I never felt that a relationship was worth fighting for. I built this wall around me and made sure that there were safeguards to ensure that if things didn't work out I would not be sad for too long. I never allowed myself to feel insecure because I told myself if this doesn't work then it is on to the next one. I vowed that I would never allow myself to be vulnerable in front of someone. Little did I know that would change.
I met him the day I dropped off a tester. I had asked him a question and he completely ignored me and I thought what a jerk. So I leave for my car and finish with the rest of my day until I had to pick up my guy again. So I get back to the test site at one o'clock. Low and behold guess who is there? Yup the jerk, only this time he actually speaks to me. We get into conversation waiting for our applicants to finish testing. I kept thinking he was really cute and had this great smile. So after 45 minutes of talking we get ready to take our guys back and he calls my name and ask for my number. He says he is going to take me to the movies on Saturday. Having to wait two days to seem him seemed to drag on. Our date on Saturday did not go as I thought it would. One I had to meet him at his job, two he was late 45 minutes. When he finally picked me I was a little over dressed because we spent an hour and half walking through the mall. I figured we were going to eat dinner and then catch a movie. Hear I am in shorts, a scoop neck shirt and heels and we are walking through the mall like teenagers. Finally we leave to get the tickets so we can eat. He asked me what I want to eat and I say how about Legal Seafoods since it was close by. Well that would have been fine if he hadn't bought tickets for a movie that started in the next hour. So seafood was out. He says we can get something later. I tell him I don't want to eat at a diner. Mind you after 11pm everything closes in Long Island. So it was no surprise when he says lets eat at a diner I tell him I rather go home. We start heading out only to end up in Queens. I live in Manhattan, he explains that I have to stay the night at his place because he is extremely tired and won't be able to drive back. My first instinct was take the train home what came out of my mouth was "okay sure". No we did not have sex that night for those who were wondering. So he drops me off and I am like okay never again. Little did I know that two weeks later I would be moving in as a trail run to see if we would be a good couple.
How did I end up moving in? Well I was at home talking to my mother and she makes a joke that we should try it out for 30 days. I thought she was serious so when I see him that night I tell him what she says. I laugh thinking he would take it as a joke but he thought I was serious. So that following Friday I move into my new home for the next month. Everything is cute and fine and then one night this little voice tells me to look through his phone. Side note ladies: If you don't want to find something dont snoop. Low and behold I find text messages from other females. Mind you we have not been seeing each other that long at this point it is a little under a month so of course I start packing my stuff up, it is around 2am when I am packing. He wakes up around 9am and I am getting dressed. I sit down next to him and tell him I am ready to move back home. At first I wasn't going to say anything about looking through his phone but I figure I might as well I am not sticking around after this. If you had sat there and listened to the conversation that followed you would have just decided to get up and walk away, I didn't. I said I would stay and stick it out with him. I went to work the next morning told my supervisor I need to take care of some stuff. That afternoon while he was at work I moved out. Later that evening he came to my house and I gave him the key.
That was month one the begining of month two we still went out and while I battled with nagging feelings that I wasn't the only one in his life he was perfectly content with where we were. Anyone who knows me understands that unless I have a clear understanding of where something is going or what is being established I am not going to leave things alone. I found myself at every turn trying to get him to make a decision about what was it that he wanted from me and this relationship. You get tired of saying the same thing over and over. What I failed to realize was that in the process of me trying to get this one victory I was missing all the changes that he was making for me. My mom said that I was to busy looking for the elephant that I was missing the mice. Where once he would look at other women when we went to eat he now would face me with his back to everyone else. Instead of letting me take the train he would come pick me up from my door. He made an effort to ensure that I felt at home at his place by telling me to bring stuff to leave there. He would be offended when I tried to pay for meals and I did it to show him that I didn't need him. Again it was my way of assuming control. Sometimes people try to show you in their own way that they care about you. Not everyone has the same approach to expressing love or feelings. I wanted him to have my same approach but the fact is that we have two different backgrounds we have two different methods. While our previous experiences at love have left us trying to make the other prove their value we were missing the key point, that we were falling for the other.
About a week ago I called it quits and told him that I was unhappy that what was the point of staying in this if I wasn't getting what I needed. That night I realized that it wasnt the fact that I wasn't getting what I needed I was upset because I wasn't getting it how I wanted it. Mark is an amazing guy while he can be a bit abrasive I don't doubt how he feels for me. I think that he lets his fears that I am going to leave him get the best of him. Although I have to say that in and of myself I have confirmed his fears on two occasions. Instead of communicating to him how I felt I bailed out on us. That night I cried and it was the first time in a long time that I allowed myself to feel something for someone. A few years ago I let someone into my heart only to have it broken and since then I have kept it under wraps. Being vulnerable in front of Mark is scary but when I am with him it is like there is no one else around. When I talk to him I am always laughing and learn to not be so serious all the time. When we are sleeping he pulls me close to him and he each time that I am with him I feel like he is my other half. Yes it has been a short time but in that short time I have the privelage to experience all the things that can make or break a couple and I can say that we are stronger. Are there days he gets on my nerves, yes. Are there days that I want to say I give up but if I gave up I would be missing out on the little moments that make this all worthwhile. I would miss out on being with someone who unlocks a bit of his heart for me and I for him.
I met him the day I dropped off a tester. I had asked him a question and he completely ignored me and I thought what a jerk. So I leave for my car and finish with the rest of my day until I had to pick up my guy again. So I get back to the test site at one o'clock. Low and behold guess who is there? Yup the jerk, only this time he actually speaks to me. We get into conversation waiting for our applicants to finish testing. I kept thinking he was really cute and had this great smile. So after 45 minutes of talking we get ready to take our guys back and he calls my name and ask for my number. He says he is going to take me to the movies on Saturday. Having to wait two days to seem him seemed to drag on. Our date on Saturday did not go as I thought it would. One I had to meet him at his job, two he was late 45 minutes. When he finally picked me I was a little over dressed because we spent an hour and half walking through the mall. I figured we were going to eat dinner and then catch a movie. Hear I am in shorts, a scoop neck shirt and heels and we are walking through the mall like teenagers. Finally we leave to get the tickets so we can eat. He asked me what I want to eat and I say how about Legal Seafoods since it was close by. Well that would have been fine if he hadn't bought tickets for a movie that started in the next hour. So seafood was out. He says we can get something later. I tell him I don't want to eat at a diner. Mind you after 11pm everything closes in Long Island. So it was no surprise when he says lets eat at a diner I tell him I rather go home. We start heading out only to end up in Queens. I live in Manhattan, he explains that I have to stay the night at his place because he is extremely tired and won't be able to drive back. My first instinct was take the train home what came out of my mouth was "okay sure". No we did not have sex that night for those who were wondering. So he drops me off and I am like okay never again. Little did I know that two weeks later I would be moving in as a trail run to see if we would be a good couple.
How did I end up moving in? Well I was at home talking to my mother and she makes a joke that we should try it out for 30 days. I thought she was serious so when I see him that night I tell him what she says. I laugh thinking he would take it as a joke but he thought I was serious. So that following Friday I move into my new home for the next month. Everything is cute and fine and then one night this little voice tells me to look through his phone. Side note ladies: If you don't want to find something dont snoop. Low and behold I find text messages from other females. Mind you we have not been seeing each other that long at this point it is a little under a month so of course I start packing my stuff up, it is around 2am when I am packing. He wakes up around 9am and I am getting dressed. I sit down next to him and tell him I am ready to move back home. At first I wasn't going to say anything about looking through his phone but I figure I might as well I am not sticking around after this. If you had sat there and listened to the conversation that followed you would have just decided to get up and walk away, I didn't. I said I would stay and stick it out with him. I went to work the next morning told my supervisor I need to take care of some stuff. That afternoon while he was at work I moved out. Later that evening he came to my house and I gave him the key.
That was month one the begining of month two we still went out and while I battled with nagging feelings that I wasn't the only one in his life he was perfectly content with where we were. Anyone who knows me understands that unless I have a clear understanding of where something is going or what is being established I am not going to leave things alone. I found myself at every turn trying to get him to make a decision about what was it that he wanted from me and this relationship. You get tired of saying the same thing over and over. What I failed to realize was that in the process of me trying to get this one victory I was missing all the changes that he was making for me. My mom said that I was to busy looking for the elephant that I was missing the mice. Where once he would look at other women when we went to eat he now would face me with his back to everyone else. Instead of letting me take the train he would come pick me up from my door. He made an effort to ensure that I felt at home at his place by telling me to bring stuff to leave there. He would be offended when I tried to pay for meals and I did it to show him that I didn't need him. Again it was my way of assuming control. Sometimes people try to show you in their own way that they care about you. Not everyone has the same approach to expressing love or feelings. I wanted him to have my same approach but the fact is that we have two different backgrounds we have two different methods. While our previous experiences at love have left us trying to make the other prove their value we were missing the key point, that we were falling for the other.
About a week ago I called it quits and told him that I was unhappy that what was the point of staying in this if I wasn't getting what I needed. That night I realized that it wasnt the fact that I wasn't getting what I needed I was upset because I wasn't getting it how I wanted it. Mark is an amazing guy while he can be a bit abrasive I don't doubt how he feels for me. I think that he lets his fears that I am going to leave him get the best of him. Although I have to say that in and of myself I have confirmed his fears on two occasions. Instead of communicating to him how I felt I bailed out on us. That night I cried and it was the first time in a long time that I allowed myself to feel something for someone. A few years ago I let someone into my heart only to have it broken and since then I have kept it under wraps. Being vulnerable in front of Mark is scary but when I am with him it is like there is no one else around. When I talk to him I am always laughing and learn to not be so serious all the time. When we are sleeping he pulls me close to him and he each time that I am with him I feel like he is my other half. Yes it has been a short time but in that short time I have the privelage to experience all the things that can make or break a couple and I can say that we are stronger. Are there days he gets on my nerves, yes. Are there days that I want to say I give up but if I gave up I would be missing out on the little moments that make this all worthwhile. I would miss out on being with someone who unlocks a bit of his heart for me and I for him.
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